客厅展示柜的收藏

庆祝新加坡建国五十周年的一系列金禧活动，在十一月底的金禧嘉年华会呈现了亮丽的句点。嘉年华在

滨海浮动舞台上举行，展示了大型充气塑像如樟宜机场和龙头游乐场，以及多媒体的投影和来自多个门派的艺术家的作品，当中包括诗歌、绘画、艺术装置、电影等。大型装置相当受访客的青睐，公众在装置前连连自拍。就有一个展览区吸引的是讨论多过拍照。

我先是注意到这一座座约两米高、五米长的白色长方块。由内发出的白光将印在长方块前后两面的照片照得栩栩如生。先是看到一排排千篇一律的高楼政府组屋，然后是一系列的客厅照。摄影师想借由组屋客厅的一幕，表达出方方块块的组屋楼单位里头丰富的生活气息。

许多家庭都以一般的全家福照形式拍照 - 长辈坐在椅子或沙发上，晚辈站着，小过五岁的小朋友坐在长辈的大腿上，觉地板最自在的，便盘坐在地板上或把双脚伸得长长，背部依靠在爸爸妈妈的双脚。有些家庭穿着颜色设计相同的T恤。当然也有包括独居一屋的单身人士。大家脸上或挂着灿烂笑容，或认真地凝视着镜头。

英语常言道：“人，构成一个地方。”除了背景多元化的人物，客厅照系列也表达了一个地方的存在感，也在于它所包括的物品。一间间的客厅似乎少不了桌子椅子、沙发地毯、照片玩具等。更细致的观察，会发现每间客厅的某个角落都坐落着一架展示柜，陈列了琳琅满目的收藏品。想必摄影师对展示柜里头的东西充满好奇心，几座长方块就专门把展示柜里头放大展示出来。

收藏的物件各式各样，基本上都富有鲜明的特色，比如涂上中国画的陶瓷花瓶、穿白袍留长胡蓄的书生瓷像。很多类似的物件摆在一起就成了一系列的艺术展示品。此外，还有相当具有个人象征性的收藏，比如在学校夺冠的讲座、旅游时的一道风景、或者是披上毕业袍和家人合拍的全家福。比较无厘头的也有 - 例如玻璃瓶装的可口可乐，品牌纸上印着泰文，还有一个我从未见过的比一般塑料瓶装的可乐还要矮还要胖的瓶子。收藏，其实和旅行差别不大。收藏久了，累积多了，就能发现一般人不曾看见的东西，和建造别人做不到的收藏堡垒。收藏的基本条件就是耐心，和漫长的时间。

心理专家指出，收藏者的迷恋是很正常的现象，而且原因广泛。收藏东西的习惯可追朔到我们童年时经济能力有限时，当我们收到心的玩具时，占有东西给了我们强烈的优越感，造成了所谓的“禀赋效应”。对于某些收藏家，收藏是自我认知的延伸，收藏的东西藏匿着收藏者的个性影子。比起对话，观察一位收藏者收藏的物件、如何时候藏、如何摆设、花费的心思，也许更能了解一个人的个性。毕竟收藏是做的“事”，并且更为实在。

那摆在客厅的展示柜又有何意义？相信原因因收藏者的个性而异。有的收藏家将中华人物的塑像摆在神台下，添置了一层薄薄的禅意。摆出奖杯和照片的，也许就是简单地想纪念那几段美好岁月，在时间的长河下立下一些浮标。大致上是为了在客厅这共同空间，涂上一些个人色彩，和家人分享。把收藏品摆在客厅，提醒自己在外头无论需要蒙上多少副面纱应付挑战，看看收藏的物件，便能一点点地恢复自己。

梦中梦

《梦中梦》

亲
吻上眉梢
离别之际
允我扪心承认

你没错，即如你所言
往日如梦
随风
飘散

但
昼夜间飞逝的
眨眼间消失的希望
是否
遗留下几分存在

曾经看似或相似的一切
都是梦中梦



浪潮猛的拍案
我立足于岸面上

我手中握着颗颗闪烁的散沙
悄悄漏出指缝间
至深渊
我对着抛弃我的沙粒
哭泣

天啊，我难道无法紧紧捉住沙儿吗？
天啊，我难道无法救赎仅仅一颗沙儿吗？


曾经看似或相似的一切
是否都是梦中梦



取自Edgar Allen Poe的名师“A Dream Within A Dream”
献给朋友YW的圣诞节礼物

Keep up and Share it

I stutter a lot. In my mind. I have difficulties reporting to my boss about a phone conversation. I have trouble recalling a book I read to someone. I go mind blank when I try to recollect my travel adventures to my friends.

I take a long time to recall what happened, organise my thoughts, select the share-worthy points and to make them interesting.

I can't hold conversations long especially when it's a group conversation. Because I take a long time to think of a proper response. But if it's something funny, I can throw it out pretty fast and the response are good. I probably talk shallow better.

But I like to write. I like how I can have the luxury of time to share the depths of my thoughts. I am really comfortable with taking my time to think and write.

Then again, I observed that the world does not have the time for every single detail inside my brain. Boss does not need so much background. Friends do not have the camera roll of my life. In fact, no one needs to have. And strangers, needless to say, have no obligations or whatsoever to stop and listen to me.

It has got to do with the speed the world is moving, I suppose. As a city gets more urbanised, people tend to move faster. I used to hate fast and having to keep up. But if I don’t, I can’t share what I have.

So perhaps, the gap between speed and contents is something I have to work on.

Some details here and there probably suffice. Background may not be necessary. Thinking doesn’t have to be done after listening. It can be done in between, or a mixture of in betweens and afters. Because listening to the moment is still the sincere way to responding to something.

As for sharing what I’d love to share, I could come up with a system of sharing stuff…like start with a quick summary of a story I just finished reading, speak slowly, have ups and downs, conflicts and resolutions, and bring in people into my conversation. Use inviting body language.

It might seem tiring, but I could view it as a way to live more consciously and gain awareness of myself… 

Sensory Writing

How do we bring in readers into the experiences of a travel writer? Through sharing of the feelings and emotions of the writer. With some brevity and recount of thought processes, it's easy to bring in the reader into our world. Then again, thoughts and feelings are highly subjective. What's impactful to you might not be as significant to another...senses, however, are more agreeable across the board.

I was stuck writing the chapter on “Cape No. 7” for my Taiwan travel journal and had a writers' block. I started to doubt the value of narrating the places I've seen while trying to recollect the venues the movie had filmed at. If readers had seen the movie, they could have some recollections. But for those who didn't, how could I engage their senses? 

I then remembered Mo Yan and his literary style. His advice is to appeal to all the senses of the human, not just what we see. A wind can be described with the hollow-sounding echoes that tickled our ears, or the fragrance of the lavender it ferried over. 

I could probably use a similar sensory approach to this chapter by weaving in the soundtracks and descriptive lyrics along with it. And history of a place gives it its life...I should add that in too.

I should do more research and homework before writing this chapter. If I want to write about it as a fan, I might as well do all I can to introduce all the movie has to offer.

拒绝发展

民丹岛上建有不少度假村。从新加坡丹娜美拉渡轮码头乘坐一小时的船程就能抵达，旅游旺季时特别受国人欢迎。岛上最近兴建的度假村坐落在岛东部，下船后坐上一小时的接驳车技能抵达。

旅游淡季则是在十一月至三月之间，因为那期间正逢季候雨季，阳光和乌云随着涨潮退潮来去不定。我刚抵达时正式退潮阶段，海岸尽是一片沼泽地。度假村的服务员告知，所有水上活动基本上都无法进行，除了夜晚的红树林郊游。于是我报名了。

导游操作着摩托船带我们游览当地的渔村 (Kawal)，经过大小不一的渔船时，他解说个别船上的捕鱼用具和仪器依据鱼类而设，所以大船用来抓金枪鱼，小船抓江鱼仔。还有称为“基隆”的渔船屋，加以改装后，便有能力航至深海区域内捕鱼。没有捕鱼的日子，基隆便扎根在渔村湖泊边上，过日子。导游说，在印尼，不乏以捕鱼为生的人，但坚守住屋和渔船为一体的渔村已逐渐式微。

似屋似船的基隆。

岛民的生活方式相当原始。靠岸的岛民的水源来自陆地的城市区，靠海的呢，因为缺乏水管连接，所以水源来自降雨时储存下来的雨水。雨量低的季节里，村里的妇女都得乘船到四十公里外的城区井口打水。

岛民都过惯了这种生活方式。99%的岛民都是渔夫。捕鱼的收入不稳，长辈都借此为由，吓唬不用功念书的孩子。不过，不鼓励孩子的也有一营，因为读不读书，日子照样过。大人看不到念书的意义。

教学率是衡量国家发展程度的指标之一。以当今发达科技的应用性和普及化，渔村的出产量难以和大量繁殖的工业渔场较量。在经济发展方面，渔村显得落后与世界的速度。也许他们选择不跟风。也许发展的好处对他们毫无吸引力。也许他们爱海爱捕鱼多过爱产量。也或许，发展就是将渔民生活方式一代代地传下去。经济发展是一个选择，他们选择拒绝。

夜晚中，红树林的倩影逼近。导游带我们寻觅黄光萤火虫的踪影。回程路上，我们称赞导游年纪轻轻，口才又佳，当导游一年就能练出一口流利英语，和旅客交谈。结伴的旅客问年仅二十的导游未来长远打算，想从事怎样的行业。旅客不解导游的回复，于是加问说：“你应该不会一辈子就做导游这行业吧？”

导游的回复说：“我可能就像一辈子做这事儿”。

那有什么不妥呢？

遛狗

老妈一向很抗拒溜狗时不带狗链。她不知道有罚款这一回事，她是担心狗狗一旦玩得兴奋起来，会跑丢，很难追回。老妈的右膝盖都过手术，行走本来就不方便，追不上狗狗的顾虑可以理解。我正好相反，溜狗时刻意不带狗链，不是因为跑步速度超越狗狗逃跑的速度，而是为了想给他更多自由。狗狗成天呆在家中，虽然有充裕的空间给她跑给她跳，但毕竟还是局限在组屋里的四面墙和天花板的框框里。看不到宽天白云，摸不着绿草棕木。

狗狗很活泼，耳朵很敏锐。和我们相处了十多年，已经和我们建立了一库共同语汇了。该冲凉时，叫“bom bom” ；模仿枪击声时，她会应声倒下装受伤（这是老二苦练出来的）；该出门溜狗时，叫 “gai gai”。语汇都套用婴儿语汇，在同样的情况下重复使用，狗狗很快就熟悉过来。对于出门遛狗的口令，她最灵敏。若站在铁门外喊口令，她会竖起双耳，把头摆一旁，然后三步并作两步跑向门口，甚至挤身穿过铁门。进入电梯后，狗狗则站稳一地，尾巴却像汽车马达似的快速摇摆。电梯门打开的前几秒，她会迫不及待地用前爪奋力抓着门口，虽然抓或不抓，门口还会顺着机械一样打开。

打开后，她头也不回地跑完整道走廊。我第一次不带狗链时也被吓一跳，猛力地追。之后，我察觉到狗狗跑了一阵子后，会偶尔停下来，闻闻花儿，嗅嗅草儿，不会像斗牛见红一样不知该几时停下。所以，我也相对地开始节省力气，只要她保持在我的视线范围内就好。

我也和狗狗“达成共识” - 我不用狗链套她，但若她跑得太远，我会语气放得狠一些，命令她回来。在那发生之前，我都会“指挥”方向，引领她避开停车场和马路旁的人行道。实行了轻微的“指导原则”和严厉的“安全措施”，没有狗链的狗狗能自由地奔跑，也没有走丢。

但老妈还有多一门顾虑。没有狗链，怎么防止她意外咬人/狗？

相反的，狗狗在溜狗的时候变得更加友善。每当路过同样在溜狗的邻居，她都会主动上前互相嗅嗅或擦擦鼻子，几乎像个名媛似的。更积极的时候，她还会尾随着别条狗抛下我不管。我也通过狗狗的社交主动，多认识了一些邻居和一位爱猫爱狗人士。

回想那第一次把狗链留在家里时，在电梯里，狗狗就已经开始主动社交，靠近同坐一架电梯里的阿姨。阿姨错以为狗狗有攻击性的倾向，破口大骂要我马上把狗狗抱起来。我当时是皱着眉头木讷地随从，也怀疑不带狗链是否会遭路人冷眼对待。幸好，看到行人、跑步人士对着狗狗微笑和打招呼，我知道我的担忧是多余的。也许，享受自由的表情其实是一种很帅、很吸引人的表情吧。

最后一门顾虑，是拉屎小便。环境局千交代万交代不能让宠物随地方便。这点我倒是有准备。每回溜狗时，我都自备纸巾和塑料袋为宝贝狗狗“拾屎”。至于尿液，若狗狗示意要在道路上小便，我会把他赶到草地上给予植物该有的滋润。万事都有备。

Make it burn enough

I ever had this conversation with a friend about ‘passion’. I put forth that passion is something that you have to work on to ‘make yourself like it’, otherwise it’ll falter away after some time. He was slightly dumbfounded: “What do you mean by that? If you truly am passionate about something, why do you need to ‘make yourself like it’?” A logical extension to his point would be “maybe you aren’t really passionate about it after all”, often from the mouths of the energised souls who have found their passion.

And he's one of them.

My friend is passionate about teaching. He earns a decent income as a tuition teacher and from what he shared of students who showed improvements over the years and the years his ‘disciples’ have been following him, I know that he’s making a difference. And his passion was genuine, not a duplicate of his counterparts and certainly nothing near NATO (no-action-talk-only).

He's clearly passionate because he's working on his passion. Some of us could wandering at a stage prior to where he's at, try to make sure what we are trying is what we really like to do.

And that's a stage of affirmation which I feel is a necessary one. Why? Because we are not born with our true calling. Because we are not born knowing what we are exactly good at. Because we are born into a world without the luxury of having to do one thing in our whole lives. Because we are born to explore. There's a reason that got you started on something. If you drop it solely 'cause of work involved, that's failing to try, which is worse than failing to succeed. 

A state of uncertainty about our passions could arise from a lack of enough time for it to unfold its possibilities. Passion needs time to take form. And that duration is way more than it takes to swipe a page on our smartphone.

How to affirm our passion? Here are what I feel we could try which I hope could mean a thing or two to finding what you truly love to do.

Try a crash course. Say you're passionate about farming. Try heading to Choa Chu Kang on a Saturday morning and engage in some farming activities. See if you like what you learn. After that, if you'd rather laze in bed or go cafe-hopping with your buddies, maybe farming is not the thing for you.

Take up a regular course. If you like an activity, naturally you'll want to be good at it. Because excellence gratifies your efforts. The more you practice, the better you are, and if this betterment makes you happy, you're on the right track.

Or try doing it yourself. If your interest is a slightly isolated craft lacking in available courses (such as kite-flying), the way to affirm your interest for it is to try it out yourself. Count on yourself, and do the next step.

Read up and network. Like skills betterment, knowledge makes a pursuit of a passion interesting. Say you like cycling, and derives deep fulfilment from it, hit up a library or meet new people to exchange insights and learn what is it about cycling that keeps them going. Their motivations could resonate with you too.

Share it after you've tried the above. Passion rubs off people. If you could talk about something, it's an indication.

But don't share it before. Contrary to the advocates to share with your close friends and family about your business idea, I would suggest the opposite when you're exploring your passion. "I want to try out scuba-diving", so say you. How many people would douse you with well-meaning safety precautions (which would better be advised by the professionals)? Unless, of course, support from your loved ones mean a lot to you, but I feel that the key support and strength should come from within yourself. After all, you're trying out your passion for your own sake. 

Let your passion fight it out with priorities. Spend 10,000 hours and you'll be truly good at something. How much time are you willing to invest in crafting your passion? Are you willing to put it before your hangout times with friends or Sunday afternoon me-time? If you engage in your passion daily after work or burn a weekend for it, you have definitely have my respect for it =]

Perhaps there isn’t much of a difference between making yourself like something and working to sustain your own passion. Whether you're affirmative about your passion already, there's work to be done to start and carry on that passion.

I like to think that we're born with a few baby bonfires to sustain throughout our lifetime. Fire needs oxygen and flammable materials to burn. Without throwing in more firewood, we'll never know how bright could the bonfire raze up to. We have to try out a few bonfires before we know which lit-up view are we most comfortable with. 

Passion is a lifelong work. The purposeful ones would put in some work first before snuffing out the flame.

《天使忘了飞翔》读后感

天使忘了飞翔，因为翅膀始终长不出来。

读了敷米浆的少年爱情小说，有着这一触的感悟。因为翅膀的隐喻贯彻在女追男的过程中。

故事的起头是典型的校园情怀。五位高中生一块儿上学，努力考上大学。三男两女，男一是主人翁。男二追女一，而女一和女二都喜欢男一。妙的是，男一由始之中不曾察觉到两女对他的感觉。幸福的傻男人，叫小晋。最后一位男三，考不上大学，飞去了纽西兰念书后，就完全离开故事线了。

为什么用翅膀？翅膀在这故事里的含义何在？

一切，应该是从文静借给小晋喜欢的书籍，封面上画着蓝色天使的翅膀。文静就是女二。

天使若要飞翔，两边都要有翅膀

情窦初开的年华，当一位女孩子把心爱的书籍借送给男生的时候，是纯粹的想要文艺上的交流吗？还是制造机会多懂你的心？淋雨后的隔一天，女孩关心来问候男生的“翅膀”，希望男生接过飞翔的邀约。天使的翅膀对女孩有着特别的意义，尤其当翅膀能如她所愿插置在男生的肩膀后。

可是，就算翅膀没有淋湿，小晋（男一）说，翅膀也不能飞起来。原来，小晋与文静的缘分早在开头时埋下伏笔了。

小晋常坚持自己肩上没有翅膀。甚至，不相信天使的存在。想着天使的可能性，只会让小晋头痛、困扰。

上了大学还是一样。小晋、乐子在台北，文静在嘉义。每回假日，文静都抽出宝贵时间北上探访两位好友，然后和小晋散步。有一回，文静在探访之前说想听听小晋对书籍的读后感，小晋连忙拉着朋友请教，好编出一些感想，吓得手忙脚乱。因为书籍在他这里这么久，其实，他根本没有兴趣读它。

就算书籍永远送给小晋，兴趣这件事也很难改变的吧。所谓的兴趣是可以慢慢培养，但前提是兴趣必须种下了豆豆，有了阳光、雨水、温暖等外在滋润，才能发芽成长。要是豆根本都不在土下，滋润还能开花结果吗？对于感情，也同样难以勉强花果从空气中结开来。

令人纠结的是，少年爱情常把“当下”看得比“以后”或“结果”还重。不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。所以，文静不知道小晋有没有察觉到她对他的爱意，只想落下一些门路让小晋对她好，留点希望给彼此。比如，要求小晋在离别前为她在车票根上写写。一收集就是收集了四、五年。痴情令人可敬，也令人感叹。

爱情也许是最难拒绝的事情。帮助，可以拒绝；机会，可以推辞；约会，也可以婉拒，只要有理由，对方总会明白。可当爱情敲上门来，它是带着上述的所有，加上难以理喻的“我喜欢你”，送上你面前。千里迢迢从嘉义上台北看你，如何推辞？

更何况，女生常常再考试期间拨电话给男生加油打气。

不喜欢为何不早点告诉人家，免得费了人家的青春？棘手的是，我们碰上了对爱情友情无法划清界限的小晋。也或许是，校园的情谊从高中延续到大学，因为关系亲密多年而难以分辨情与谊。要从友情中看到爱情，好比雾里看花。

要若是你，倘若思维理智，又会懂得察言观色感应到桃花讯号，你会拒绝文静吗？你会怎么拒绝？推掉爱情的邀请会断掉友谊的桥梁吗？

《天使忘了飞翔》相信的爱情是命中注定的。翅膀是文静的，音乐是乐子的。从高中开始，无论怎么试，小晋都无法找到翅膀。翅膀是爱文静爱的意愿、爱的本领。上了大学后，作者少用了翅膀的隐喻，着重点出文静为爱情的实际动作，包括北上旅途的努力和常常拨电话给小晋的关心。可惜到了最后，小晋还是无法插上翅膀，飞到文静的世界。

改不了的命运，到不了的终点

文静的爱情一开始就被否定，相反的乐子和小晋的爱情一开始就稳定了，只不过隐形了很久。

高中时，乐子（女一）大方地告诉小晋她只喜欢读音乐的男生（他们俩读同一个音乐班）。自嘲记忆差的小晋却记清楚这一句话。毕业后，他俩一起在台北年大学。乐子气质出众，常常有男生追。她都一一挡掉，把心里的地方保留给小晋。

一路来，雷旺（男二）都有在追求乐子。年运动系的他，苦练口琴，学音乐，学到都能在机场演奏让人止步欣赏的程度。他为了乐子排队买娃娃系列送给她；他把运动赛事所得的奖项送给她；他努力念书兼参加学生会，当上了会长。即用心又贴心，即有动力又有魄力，干出了一番成绩。他的履历是女生眼中的标准男生。

那么努力，仍改变不了命运。西瓜节当天，黄色代表友情，红色代表爱情。雷旺收到了黄色。

红色，乐子送给了小晋。

但小晋不愿接受。虽然，他也喜欢乐子。

命中注定，但时间未定

感情酝酿了多年，如果不曾明确表示或暗示，等到“我喜欢你”那四个字出现时，对方仍然会措手不及。并不是不喜欢而拒绝，而是一时反应不过来。当然，如果当时有外在因素，如准备入伍、出国深造等、接受恋情的准备功夫可能需要做得更充足一些。小晋和乐子终于在儿时地方在此邂逅，主动表白。也许是想解开当年的情感矛盾吧。

有人说，你和一个人会以怎样的方式相处，其实在第一次见面时早就定下。命中为我们注定了什么，谁晓得。只知道有些事情，再努力改也变不了。想要看看命运为我们作的安排，先拿出耐心，时间会慢慢掀开幕布。值不值得等待，真的要看个人了。

Crafting a closure question (for dates)

Recently, a friend got to know this guy from okcupid. They've texted each other for a month. This guy's pretty straightforward. On the first time they met up, he asked my friend: "so am I disappointing?" "So what do you think of me?" It got my friend laughing. If a guy can get a girl laugh on the first date, it's half a battle won already, isn't it?

Not long later, things changed pretty fast. From the usual quick responses and thoughtful texting, the guy stopped responding that often. And one-word responses took the stage now.

Let's call my friend Nougat. And the guy, Nugget.

By the way, this post is not going to pan out to be a happily-ever-after nor sob-story of romance. It's definitely not an advertisement for okc. It's gonna be about the difficulties of offering a second opinion to friends in the dating scene, more specifically, in crafting a 'closure question' - to double -confirm if a guy is go or no.

So back to them. Nougat told me she's interested in this guy. But this sudden change in the guy got her thinking whether she should continue pursuing him.

"I need a closure", Nougat says. "I can take rejections. So long as he tells me about it."

Why would you need a closure? From his habitual responses to obvious lacklustre responses, it's pretty obvious that he's having a change of interest. And a kind of closure on okcupid even though you guys are not officially in a BGR...is this a new kind of rule on the dating scene?

Oh yes, you might say this guy might be busy over the weekend, but he's been leading a busy lifestyle while texting Nougat for the past month.

"What should I say? I am interested in him. But if he's not interested. I hope he can tell me early and prevent me from hallucinating the littlest hope that he still likes me."

"I'm ok with staying as friends. I wanna know his intention, so that the faster I know, the faster I can move on."

I told Nougat, if guys don't want to stay as dates - they won't even think about saying it, 'cause dates is not equal to official relationships. For a few reasons, guys just don't talk about relationships to that kind of details, and, guys move on faster than girls. If this date doesn't feel right, it's a sign to move on, without telling it to the current date.

Even if guys really talk about it, they might not feel at ease verbalising their inner thoughts.

But Nougat is really insistent on a 'closure'.

"Today I really heck liao. I went to ask him, 'hey, you haven't replied what you think of me'?'" This question was first asked to Nugget last Friday. Nugget response was that Nougat hasn't really answered too.

So said Nougat: "Should I say this:

okla 
i think that ure interesting 
seems like a nice guy 
considerate 
i would like to continue to see u 
what abt u? 
or are u more interested in a friendship?

i need a guy's pov (point of view)

Now the pressure is on me. Obviously she approached me to have my pov on it.

I'm at a loss. What should I tell Nougat? I've never dated, never been on dating apps, and the closest-to-romance conversation I've ever had was on stage. What advice do I have to offer Nougat?

My immediate response was to ask whether has she really said that. Because my instinct feel is that phrased in this way, this question felt like a confrontation or an option - either you continue to go on dates with me, or we stay as friends. Let me know your answer.

It also sounded close to a corporate tone, in a boardroom whereby two options are tabled to the Chairman, and directions have to be made, under the scrutiny of a big shot.

Why is it important to nail down a relationship status at such an infant stage? Especially for dating websites, flirtatious conversations and fleeting dates sprung up faster than cherry blossoms in a Sakura season. Once in a blue moon, a particular flower would find its way to your palm. But most of the time, the flowers that caught your eyes would eventually fall onto the ground and swept away. Similarly to the conversations that brushed the surface and have difficulties developing into a relationship.

"Because if he's not interested in me anymore, I prefer if he just let me know so that I can cut him off."

"I don't like to take hints and let the feelings fade with time...it feels so zzzzzzz. I like to control my feelings."

That sounds legit. Cut it off so that you don't hallucinate about the possibilities. What if he's busy, what if he's going through a rough patch, what if he just prefers to keep quiet yada yada...so 'cut-it-off' isn't an unfeeling act, it's a necessary step to tame your feelings. But still, I think moving on is the end goal, a closure is only a mean to that end. To Nougat, a closure is important.

"So from a guy's pov what do you think of this chunk of words?" asked Nougat.

I told her what I felt. I don't see a closure necessary for dating at this stage. And the hints from the guy is obvious.

I proposed some ways to ask him since Nougat really needs a closure, and I try to help a friend in need.

KA: "Try the gentle way: say sth along the line of 'hey, this may sound weird, we've been texting for a month now and I just would like to ask if....' "
my OS: i half cringed when i typed this suggestion, but some guys like the gentle approach - it'll melt their heart

NOUGAT: "You know, this guy's pretty straightforward, so I thought I should be upfront too."
my OS: gosh, so you had sth in mind already...why bother asking me?

KA: "then be upfront lo, you noticed some changes in him. so ask him based on that. be true to what you see and observe"

NOUGAT: "Cannot la, like that like over sensitive."

I never knew I would be involved in textreme in this sorta way. (if ye dont know what that means, check out this cool vid from WongFu production). I don't like offering advices based on stereotypes so when Nougat asked me a guy's POV, I'm already perplexed. And I believe in independence when dealing with interpersonal relationships - if you wanna rely on another person's thoughts to react, aren't you denying the other party a chance to understand you deeper?

Coupled with that, I was woken up from my nap by a phone call from Nougat to get over to Facebook. I thought she encountered a robbery.

So when all my suggestions got dismissed straight in a row, I could already feel smoke emitting from the back of my brain.

NOUGAT: "you want me to be true to myself and ask him based on what I observed...but i still have some hopes that he likes me. if i ask him that way, it will seem that i'm too clingy. it's too risky"

KA: "then...you gotta find a way that minimises that risk."
my OS: i totally disagree with speculations of Nugget's feelings. so long as you put it across politely, there's nth wrong with responding based on your observations...i believe in the here and now

NOUGAT: "i dont know. a girl can only think this much."

I almost flipped my laptop when I saw this reply. It's got nothing to do with genders. Rather, it seems like thought laziness that I'm getting from Nougat.

When did we start to feel so insecure in talking to people while dating? When has asking questions evolved into a Level 5000 university module? Why do people censor away their real feelings in order to take care of their impression? And why do we need to rely on another pov's when responding to a date? No doubt it's a milestone question, one that either brings Nugget and Nougat closer or further apart, but I feel that Nougat is in the best position to make a judgment by herself. The notion that onlookers offer clearer judgment doesn't really apply here because the only person who can judge how Nugget takes an answer is Nougat herself...And a judgment is a form of closure.

Dates are complicated. I'd rather be spending my brain power on writing my book and reflecting the day.

记忆里的习惯

每年清明节的时候，他们一家人都会带着祭品，开车到柔佛为阿公扫墓。摆出祭品，布置墓位，上上香，抛筊杯等仪式都不会花上十五分钟。要等的是，阿嬷站在阿公墓前对他阐述回家的路、岛国的变化。

这段情节是《七封信》里的最后一封，唐永健执导的“阿嬷定位系统”。剧名实实在在地凸现故事里的阿嬷的“特异功能”。阿嬷会非常详细地向阿公吩咐回家的路线，和岛国的城市变化：从柔佛走到关卡，要注意翻新后的兀兰关卡；往南下经过的空地，现在已建起“红毛屋”；当年常带阿嬷去吃的沙爹米粉已不再经营；阿公爱喝姜茶的摊位；常到住家家探访的老朋友仍然健在；还有很多回忆的叙事。。。爸爸妈妈觉得啰嗦，毕竟人不再世，鬼魂也未必接受得到凡人的信息，对于孙女，是耳边风。对于孙子，是耳濡目染。阿嬷坐在公色塑料椅子上阐述时，他静静地在背后用树枝掀起纸灰，让未烧尽的冥纸触碰到火。对于阿嬷，她觉得这是一份关怀，必须交待，好让阿公顺利踏上归家路。

难道是人老记忆更好的证明吗？怎么会背得那么清楚？祭品多样化，烧个智能手机模型，阴间朋友便能用全球定位系统找到回家路线，阿嬷何必大费周章？

因为，阿嬷交待的，不只是路线，而是和老伴的共同回忆，和他在世的时候一起温饱三餐，谈天说地的浪漫回忆。阿嬷的路线以阿公的生前记忆出发，标出了阿公熟悉的地方，经城市化洗刷后的新面貌。环境进化了，情感仍不变。阿嬷用口述，牵着阿公的灵魂回家。智能手机做得到吗？

年迈的人士，回顾来时路时，难免碰上一片蒙雾。一方面，人的记忆性容量有限，我们不够空间装存一切。另一方面，快速生活化要求速战速决的决定，在还未理清所有人的顾虑，整个队伍已经前进了，我们不够时间装存记忆。能在回忆海上扬帆引起你注意力的，无非是个别刻苦铭心或精彩的难忘时刻，和一路来常常做的事情、坚持的习惯。习惯到，它们成为你的身体记忆。不做这个活动，全身就觉得不对劲。不和老伴下楼吃吃早点，不陪他去看看朋友，难免会觉每天好像三菜少了一汤，日子还能过，但少了些味道。记忆里的习惯，挥之难散。

和老妈分享电影剧情。她说：“是这样的嘛。活着的时候，你对他好，他对你好。阿嬷的老伴死后，只有好，没有坏。”人过世后，唯一能送他们的，除了仪式上的祭品，还有心上的思念。一年啰嗦一回，也许是和他最接近的时刻。

“就因为我觉得人走了，你不能刻意为了怕自己难过然后就故意避开。你应该要时时逼自己去想念他，然后看他。这样他在天堂才会觉得我们没有忘记他。” ~ 小S ~

小狐狸教我的那些事

六月时，浮尔顿酒店展出小王子塑像，出自法国雕塑艺术家阿尔诺纳萨尔阿家 （Arnaud Nazare Aga）。树脂塑像穿上了鲜艳彩漆后，原著里的水彩绘画便活灵活现展示出来。我绕着酒店门厅欣赏，竟发现有座雕塑刻画的情节并没有出现在原著里头。该艺术家在场，我好奇地向他确认 – 小王子、小狐狸和玫瑰确实没有在同一个时间点出现在612星球上。这构思是艺术家的创作，把这三个角色排在一起，为故事里友情爱情的主题做个美丽的结合。

主题上的融合美毋庸置疑，唯独美中不足的是，小王子倾心倾力照顾玫瑰，玫瑰却给了小王子心碎。反倒是小狐狸教会了小王子很多。

初次见面时，小王子正好看到花圃众多玫瑰而怀疑自己的玫瑰的重要性。失落时，小狐狸出现，而小王子主动交朋友。小狐狸犹豫，说友谊的前一步，必须要“驯服”，建立一种互相依靠的关系。要维持这段关系，必须要有耐心、少些言语避免误会、而且要有定时的习惯，譬如每日约在四点见面，三点的时候就会有盼望的喜悦。这些都需要费点心思。对于玫瑰的单向爱护，小王子和小狐狸的友谊稳重多了。友谊和爱情一样，需要实际行动来驯服彼此，方能持久。

小狐狸的智慧也教会了小王子，虽然整个宇宙有着成千上万的玫瑰，但小王子亲手呵护的那一朵玫瑰，亲手用玻璃球覆盖她，亲手赶走想吃她的毛毛虫。。。因为他疼惜她，所以她重要。最重要的事情是肉眼看不见的。

阿公，父亲节快乐

公司在招募建国一代大使，为建国一代解释建国配套的医药保健福利，和他们交友并且培养感情。我毫不犹豫地申请了。

自从毕业后，我就一直在找机会和老人家一起做义工。我想为他们服务。至于为什么热衷于这一社群，我想我可以提出很多大众广传的理由：他们是建国一代；他们为我们付出了青春；他们拥有独到的人生见解；他们老了，将来你也会，信服于己所不欲勿施于人的道理的话，就从今天起好好善待周围的老人家吧。。。

好政治的理由。

今天加班后，在地铁上，真正的理由在地铁轻微刹车后的那一瞬间，刹进我的脑海里。

我想起我的阿公。

当过世了十一年的一个人，仍然能影响你的现在、你的决定，他在世的时候应该对你有极深的影响吧。只是，我们忘了察觉到而已。

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阿公的脸孔，我记得很清晰。马脸长，额头高，眼神炯炯，随时都可以和你讲大道理的严肃神态。有一回，我为了要故意躲开他藏在床底下。他找到我的时候，弯下身子凝望着我的眼神像极了霸王龙在侏罗纪公园注视困在翻车内的孩子。他不常笑，不常开嘴。但我知道阿公有一颗金牙、一颗银牙。

霸王龙虽然严肃，但很有安全感。念小四时，《贞子复活》播映，我每天晚上幻想关灯后的黑暗角落是否藏匿着贞子的黑发。以前在三房式的组屋时，阿公的房间和我的房间隔着一块仅有一道门宽的小走廊，只要走两步就回到自己的房间了。我都不敢。宁愿和阿公卧在他的床上等妈妈来接我回房。

老妈的藤条教育霸占了我们小学的时代。自己顽皮惹祸逼迫老妈动用家法伺候时，我会攀上沙发躲到阿公的背后。阿公用着细手薄肉直接和家法硬碰硬，嘴里不停的用福建话喊着“够了”、“好了”。没给理由，只命令家法停手。家法再狠，遇上阿公还是会手下留情。夜晚，阿公是守护星；白天，阿公是护卫者。

读幼儿园时，放学回家是投入妈妈的怀抱，阿公在旁看电视。上小学后，妈妈开始打工补贴家用，放学后不见妈妈，但阿公仍然坐在单人沙发等着我们回来。报告书紧急需要签名时，阿公更是救星。阿公一直都在。

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直到阿公不再坐在沙发等候。他更常是卧在房间，时而面朝外，时而面朝墙面。妈妈交代，下午三、四点，要给阿公准备点心。我会泡一杯即溶麦片，和一块香兰海绵蛋糕一起端上。我当作是精心为一个人准备的小小“膳食”，非常自豪。所以，看到空盘空杯，我会雀跃。若点心没被碰到，我会小失望。阿公可能比较爱睡觉吧。

阿公的胃口明显减弱。医生说他呼吸管道开始萎缩，导致吞咽口水都成问题。阿公睡的床也随着病情换，从家里的黑铁架厚床单，到陈笃生医院，再到同德安老人院。医生建议让阿公留院受到更密切的照料。

晚上，我们会坐着老爸的车去看阿公。阿公的眼神散漫，我看不到霸王龙了。我会靠近阿公的身体，牵起他的手，慢慢地揉。阿公呼吸着，一吸一吐的节奏仿佛效仿温顺的雷龙被击垮后的呼吸。

阿公住老人院的时候，我和自己约定，放学后一定要骑脚踏车去看看阿公。那时中学，染上了拖延症，功课、复习，都爱拖到最后一分钟。和自己的约定也拖延了。功课来不及交起码有老师唠叨。但，探亲。。。

那天，事情发生得很快。五点五十四接到电话。匆匆赶下去老人院。我只记得妈妈哭喊“阿爸...!” 的声音。还有回到家后，和老弟站在厨房里白板前，泣着抖着擦掉“阿公早日康复”的字眼。

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妈妈常赞颂阿公的伟大事迹。十几岁就从唐山越洋到南洋打拼，卖面、卖菜、卖干粮，有了一笔资金后就从事航海运输的生意。哪怕强盗掠夺走所有货物害到阿公血本无归，阿公不气馁地反弹，很快就东山再起，一口气掌控三家公司。他也一口气让三个女人爱上他。对于阿公，我抱以一份敬意，和一份歉意。

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每逢佳节倍思亲。在本地，父亲节一般都得通过商家促销提醒或借由“母亲节一个月后就是父亲节”的联想来提醒。近年，社交媒体的广传，更多人注重父亲节。我的提醒来自公司招募“建国一代大使”的电邮，而且是令我想起父亲的父亲，还算独树一帜。在察觉到父亲节来临以前，我好好思念阿公一番。

思念阿公的点点滴滴，才发现到现在的价值观或多或少是和阿公的回忆的缩影。对于靠着自己双手打拼的精神；对于爱意表达语言 (Love Language)，我偏向于给予礼物，为人准备点心令我特别开心；对于生病了的亲朋戚友，想见就马上见，别拖延；对于年龄，我觉得年龄和辈分带来责任感，长大了，就是要保护晚辈，就好像阿公保护和陪伴着我。思念是一种很玄得东西。思念的亲戚虽远在天涯，却同时也存在你的心里面。英文常言道："You are what you eat"；蔡康永说：“You are what you say”; 思念阿公后，我也发现：“You are also who you remember”。

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来不及看我长大，但我希望你能收到我想对你说的话：

阿公，你的孙子考完大学，现在在政府部门上班了。工作、薪资都很稳定。

我没你那么厉害，同时让三个女人爱上你，但我找到我很喜欢做的事情了。

将来，等我的文章刊登于某报章或杂志，或者出了一本书，我会烧一份给你。

Waiting for You

Dear Girl,

Thank you for being so right and so perfect

Thank you for beaming with happiness and drawing me to you

Thank you for possessing the qualities I see in a long-term partner

Thank you for making me smile

Sorry if I was too forthcoming

Sorry if I wrote you notes you don't welcome

Sorry if I entered your life at the wrong time

Sorry if I gave you rose before it fully bloomed

Sorry if I seem like a predator preying on you, 'cause you're really what I desire

Sorry if my word surprised you, 'cause I write better love letters than I can sweet-talk

Sorry if this is the wrong time, 'cause I can't find a more suitable girl

Sorry if the rose reminds you of painful past, but I really wished I could time-travel

Loving someone makes me doubt myself

Loving you makes me doubt my ability to love

Loving someone makes me feel that the right Time is more important than being a Good person with a Kind heart.

Loving you makes me feel that love is none other than prolonged heart-sinking waiting in vain 

If I wait for you, would you turn your head and look at me?

If I wait for you, would you turn your heart and appreciate me?

If I wait for you, would you nod to my pursuit?

If I wait for you, would you be with me?

If you are willing, I'll be waiting

Day to day, night to night

Eight to Five, even overtime

I'll be your Professional Waiter