Crafting a closure question (for dates)

Recently, a friend got to know this guy from okcupid. They've texted each other for a month. This guy's pretty straightforward. On the first time they met up, he asked my friend: "so am I disappointing?" "So what do you think of me?" It got my friend laughing. If a guy can get a girl laugh on the first date, it's half a battle won already, isn't it?

Not long later, things changed pretty fast. From the usual quick responses and thoughtful texting, the guy stopped responding that often. And one-word responses took the stage now.

Let's call my friend Nougat. And the guy, Nugget.

By the way, this post is not going to pan out to be a happily-ever-after nor sob-story of romance. It's definitely not an advertisement for okc. It's gonna be about the difficulties of offering a second opinion to friends in the dating scene, more specifically, in crafting a 'closure question' - to double -confirm if a guy is go or no.

So back to them. Nougat told me she's interested in this guy. But this sudden change in the guy got her thinking whether she should continue pursuing him.

"I need a closure", Nougat says. "I can take rejections. So long as he tells me about it."

Why would you need a closure? From his habitual responses to obvious lacklustre responses, it's pretty obvious that he's having a change of interest. And a kind of closure on okcupid even though you guys are not officially in a BGR...is this a new kind of rule on the dating scene?

Oh yes, you might say this guy might be busy over the weekend, but he's been leading a busy lifestyle while texting Nougat for the past month.

"What should I say? I am interested in him. But if he's not interested. I hope he can tell me early and prevent me from hallucinating the littlest hope that he still likes me."

"I'm ok with staying as friends. I wanna know his intention, so that the faster I know, the faster I can move on."

I told Nougat, if guys don't want to stay as dates - they won't even think about saying it, 'cause dates is not equal to official relationships. For a few reasons, guys just don't talk about relationships to that kind of details, and, guys move on faster than girls. If this date doesn't feel right, it's a sign to move on, without telling it to the current date.

Even if guys really talk about it, they might not feel at ease verbalising their inner thoughts.

But Nougat is really insistent on a 'closure'.

"Today I really heck liao. I went to ask him, 'hey, you haven't replied what you think of me'?'" This question was first asked to Nugget last Friday. Nugget response was that Nougat hasn't really answered too.

So said Nougat: "Should I say this:

okla 
i think that ure interesting 
seems like a nice guy 
considerate 
i would like to continue to see u 
what abt u? 
or are u more interested in a friendship?

i need a guy's pov (point of view)

Now the pressure is on me. Obviously she approached me to have my pov on it.

I'm at a loss. What should I tell Nougat? I've never dated, never been on dating apps, and the closest-to-romance conversation I've ever had was on stage. What advice do I have to offer Nougat?

My immediate response was to ask whether has she really said that. Because my instinct feel is that phrased in this way, this question felt like a confrontation or an option - either you continue to go on dates with me, or we stay as friends. Let me know your answer.

It also sounded close to a corporate tone, in a boardroom whereby two options are tabled to the Chairman, and directions have to be made, under the scrutiny of a big shot.

Why is it important to nail down a relationship status at such an infant stage? Especially for dating websites, flirtatious conversations and fleeting dates sprung up faster than cherry blossoms in a Sakura season. Once in a blue moon, a particular flower would find its way to your palm. But most of the time, the flowers that caught your eyes would eventually fall onto the ground and swept away. Similarly to the conversations that brushed the surface and have difficulties developing into a relationship.

"Because if he's not interested in me anymore, I prefer if he just let me know so that I can cut him off."

"I don't like to take hints and let the feelings fade with time...it feels so zzzzzzz. I like to control my feelings."

That sounds legit. Cut it off so that you don't hallucinate about the possibilities. What if he's busy, what if he's going through a rough patch, what if he just prefers to keep quiet yada yada...so 'cut-it-off' isn't an unfeeling act, it's a necessary step to tame your feelings. But still, I think moving on is the end goal, a closure is only a mean to that end. To Nougat, a closure is important.

"So from a guy's pov what do you think of this chunk of words?" asked Nougat.

I told her what I felt. I don't see a closure necessary for dating at this stage. And the hints from the guy is obvious.

I proposed some ways to ask him since Nougat really needs a closure, and I try to help a friend in need.

KA: "Try the gentle way: say sth along the line of 'hey, this may sound weird, we've been texting for a month now and I just would like to ask if....' "
my OS: i half cringed when i typed this suggestion, but some guys like the gentle approach - it'll melt their heart

NOUGAT: "You know, this guy's pretty straightforward, so I thought I should be upfront too."
my OS: gosh, so you had sth in mind already...why bother asking me?

KA: "then be upfront lo, you noticed some changes in him. so ask him based on that. be true to what you see and observe"

NOUGAT: "Cannot la, like that like over sensitive."

I never knew I would be involved in textreme in this sorta way. (if ye dont know what that means, check out this cool vid from WongFu production). I don't like offering advices based on stereotypes so when Nougat asked me a guy's POV, I'm already perplexed. And I believe in independence when dealing with interpersonal relationships - if you wanna rely on another person's thoughts to react, aren't you denying the other party a chance to understand you deeper?

Coupled with that, I was woken up from my nap by a phone call from Nougat to get over to Facebook. I thought she encountered a robbery.

So when all my suggestions got dismissed straight in a row, I could already feel smoke emitting from the back of my brain.

NOUGAT: "you want me to be true to myself and ask him based on what I observed...but i still have some hopes that he likes me. if i ask him that way, it will seem that i'm too clingy. it's too risky"

KA: "then...you gotta find a way that minimises that risk."
my OS: i totally disagree with speculations of Nugget's feelings. so long as you put it across politely, there's nth wrong with responding based on your observations...i believe in the here and now

NOUGAT: "i dont know. a girl can only think this much."

I almost flipped my laptop when I saw this reply. It's got nothing to do with genders. Rather, it seems like thought laziness that I'm getting from Nougat.

When did we start to feel so insecure in talking to people while dating? When has asking questions evolved into a Level 5000 university module? Why do people censor away their real feelings in order to take care of their impression? And why do we need to rely on another pov's when responding to a date? No doubt it's a milestone question, one that either brings Nugget and Nougat closer or further apart, but I feel that Nougat is in the best position to make a judgment by herself. The notion that onlookers offer clearer judgment doesn't really apply here because the only person who can judge how Nugget takes an answer is Nougat herself...And a judgment is a form of closure.

Dates are complicated. I'd rather be spending my brain power on writing my book and reflecting the day.