2013年11月17日星期日
低头
“啊，是的是的，我会把资料整理出来电邮给你，不过我人不在公司，可能会晚一些再回复你。也麻烦你把要求电邮过来好，让我们这一方做参考。。。”
星期天下午。
妈妈点了菜过后，八岁的小男孩开始玩智能手机的游戏，低着头，目不转睛地玩。
妈妈的菜端上来了。“这不是我点的。我每次来都是点这两道菜而已！”妈妈说道。侍应生回头去查。小男孩继续低头玩着手机，枪声镭射声连连，似乎是袭击恐怖份子类型的游戏程序。
食物端上了，这次弄对了。是另一位侍应生端上的。菜盘上还贴心加了点菜，妈妈连忙道谢。妈妈先进食，小男孩仍然玩着电玩。
两人低头，一个吃着饭，一个等吃饭。闲暇之余没有交谈，只有，电玩。
突然。
“汽水很好喝。”
“别喝多了，对身体不好。”
“等一下还可以免费添加。”
“我只允许你添加半杯。”
对话时，只有一方抬头看另一方说话。
“这菜很好吃，你尝一尝。”
“上次不是吃过了吗？”
“这次不一样，这比较香、比较甜。”
他张开口，吃下她挟给他的青菜。
“好吃吗？”
“嗯。”
过后，又是游戏枪声。
小男孩的菜终于来了。他开始吃。他挺喜欢的。游戏枪声总算告一段落。妈妈也刚好吃完了。用纸巾擦了嘴过后，她拿起手机，回复电邮。
然后，低头。
又是安静。
在一个星期天的下午。
2013年11月13日星期三
2013年11月11日星期一
献给自己的光棍节
我一直觉得，咖啡有一种能让 时间静止的魔力。尤其是卡布奇诺。穿透过浓郁奶沫的咖啡，仿佛打破了穿越时光的不可能，达至你心灵，想告诉你些什么的。
当时间静止时，你会做什么呢？
我会反省。
今天是十一月十一日。是中国大陆特定的光棍节，庆祝单身。两年前翔告诉我这个节日的存在，我就觉得这节日挺可爱的。日期刚好由四个“一”组成，一个人生活，以这数字代表单生，再适合不过了。
我今早和同学们说我下午会来到荷兰村的一家咖啡厅，在这特别的日子里，我想尝试反省一下，这二十来岁的人生，爱情史空白的人生。同学俩和我感情颇好，但一位已有两、三年的甜蜜爱情，另外的和交往五年的女朋友分手后，最近认识了一位学妹，开始交往起来 。 所以两位都没有理由庆祝今天的节日。XD
“先和女生交个朋友吧”。
我朋友曾这么指点我。先从简单认识，到普通朋友，从朋友聚会，到主动邀约。周围朋友在分享爱情萌芽的经历时大多都离不开这模式/
过程。有人还曾告诉我，追女生是有一套“诀窍”的。尤其在念书时期，最简单的不外是相约一起温习功课，温习之余偶尔小聊几句，慢慢的培养感情。等到双方都觉得都对彼此有好感时，才是男生主动提出要求的良机。我听了后觉得头头是道，可是我知道这是我做不到的是。
若是要我安排朋友聚会，开个小派对一次过邀请好几位朋友的约会，我义不容辞。但如果是单独约女生出来。。。我似乎在自己身上套了个框框，无法主动。心里有把声音告诉我，为了追女生而约女生出来，企图心太重了。我也许想太多了吧。
You have to be interesting…for girls!
网上盛传的“爱情十大诀窍”、“如何让女生一秒内爱上你”、“女生在男生身上真正重视的条件”之类的爱情文章除了大肆推崇体贴的绅士、诚心欣赏女生、自信的魅力之外，我常常注意到，博取女生欢笑的幽默感也是主要因素之一。男生必须让女生开心、让女声觉得interesting、在一起的时光才不会乏味。男生女生就好比表演者和观众的关系，有精彩的表演就能赢得热烈的掌声，掌声越响就更加推动表演者继续呈现精彩表演。当然，偶尔来个角色对调更能为爱情锦上添花。所以，我有时会想想是不是自己不够interesting，或者是我的风格太独树一帜，观众还不懂得欣赏。
偶尔在校园食堂或朋友聚会的时候，当中都不会缺少那位娱乐大家的开心果。他说话时可以是句句都有暴点、或不时提出发人省思的话题、或超自信的发表自己的看法。不论男生女生，听的时候都会被这种charisma吸引。Sometimes
I wish I could talk like them, but I don’t want to change myself, just for the
sake for making myself “more attractive”. It might be an egoism that I don't
wish to “further develop” myself, or it could reflect that I’m really
comfortable in my own skin, just the way I am.
我有心动过！
其实，我也有心动过。小学时我在美术课堂上为心形陶瓷盒子上了彩色后，特地折了纸星星，放进里头、想送给我当年觉得在班上拥有最甜美的笑容的女生。不过，在传给朋友看的时候、不小心打番、砸碎了。中学时期，觉得来自香港的同班女生样貌清秀、温柔贤淑，脸颊上还有天使赐予的小酒窝。当时还很自卑的我常常自叹不配，还觉得她和其他男生更匹配。两年后和酒窝女生分班了。几年下来还听说她到国外留学了。去年到印度考察的时候还阴差阳错恋上女同志。还有最近在达人秀比赛中聊上了一位表演人格分裂症的女生。这女生热爱唱歌，也热爱戏剧，为了比赛，还特意花心思改编之前短片的演出，好适应达人秀比赛场合。我通过聊天觉得这女生不但乖巧，还相当努力、独立。而且长得也挺甜美的（而且身高跟我相当匹配）。我甚至还涌起念头，想要直接向学生筹委员要了她的联络号码，然后发短信给她，“先交个朋友”。但我最后没做。我也不知道为什么。
也许以上的女生都不足以让我心动。
也许是本身欠缺了点主动。
也许她们还不是我的干柴所需要的烈火。
也许我现阶段就是注定要错过了再错过。
但这都没关系
=]
珍惜现在拥有的，爱自己比较重要
我并不是第一次反省自己的爱情人生。周围的人事物常常让我看看别人，想想自己。尤其当中学同学个个都成双成对，至少拥有曾经的一段；尤其当十年不见的小学同学也牵起了女生的手；尤其，当人生的另一个四年又即将要过去，下一段人生阶段也即将展开。总是到了人生阶段的交界处感动特别惆怅。我庆幸我自己的想法蛮开通的，每天都会看看自己拥有的幸福，哪怕物质或非物质的，碰到难题或不容易的事都会极力换换视角看待人生。看一看，周围有老同学、大学同学、学院同学、同事、当然还有最重要的家人，和爸爸，和妈妈。爱情不是一切，我很满足我现在所拥有的。笑容就算没有常常挂在嘴边迎接每天路过的男男女女，至少我心中是八天晴两天雨。若要学会爱别人，首先先学会好好地爱自己。
自己一个人，除了少了经历儿女私情的潮起潮落，更珍贵的是我掌控自己得的时间和空间，去发掘自己，接触人生，探索世界。若有那么一天让我幸运的遇见我心中的孙燕姿，我相信，我会有很多故事和她分享。
我也期待聆听她的故事，然后共谱属于我们，属于世界的爱情故事。
感情不必急。继续等待、期待幸福。
光棍节快乐！
=]
2013年11月3日星期日
Sunday afternoon 3pm
After 2 months of waiting, my Japanese style microfiber blanket bought from Groupon finally arrived! Also bought a bigger pot for Ivy 'cause it's stopped growing taller. And my floor is kinda dirty. Perhaps it's time to do something for my room.
And so I did.
It's a Sunday afternoon at 3pm. I just got back to College. I transferred Ivy from the small to the bigger pot. Wikihow taught me that I should invert the old pot, tap its bottom until it falls out. Gosh, look at all the roots that's growing backwards around the soil body. No wonder its growth had been stagnant. So I poured the organic soil I bought at Quanfa Organic farm at Choa Chu Kang into the bigger pot and settled Ivy into it, before starting to sweep and mop my floor.
A clean floor does wonder. When I'm at home, mum always delights when she's finished mopping the floor for the entire house. On one hand it's the relief from getting some rest after some manual labour, but more importantly she thinks that a clean floor makes for a cozy home. A happy home =] I love my room even more each time I clean it.
It's a weekend afternoon where I can do things different from what I do during weekdays. It's a time where I can experiment with something different like changing pot for plant. It's some moments where I can engage in what others might term as "life's simple pleasures". I think it's simply the joy of trying out something different for the first time, and reminding myself that it's fun to be doing things that makes living in a room nicer!
And so I did.
It's a Sunday afternoon at 3pm. I just got back to College. I transferred Ivy from the small to the bigger pot. Wikihow taught me that I should invert the old pot, tap its bottom until it falls out. Gosh, look at all the roots that's growing backwards around the soil body. No wonder its growth had been stagnant. So I poured the organic soil I bought at Quanfa Organic farm at Choa Chu Kang into the bigger pot and settled Ivy into it, before starting to sweep and mop my floor.
A clean floor does wonder. When I'm at home, mum always delights when she's finished mopping the floor for the entire house. On one hand it's the relief from getting some rest after some manual labour, but more importantly she thinks that a clean floor makes for a cozy home. A happy home =] I love my room even more each time I clean it.
It's a weekend afternoon where I can do things different from what I do during weekdays. It's a time where I can experiment with something different like changing pot for plant. It's some moments where I can engage in what others might term as "life's simple pleasures". I think it's simply the joy of trying out something different for the first time, and reminding myself that it's fun to be doing things that makes living in a room nicer!
 |
| Finally, my Japanese-style microfiber blanket bought from Groupon. Sleep's gonna be more cozy from today onwards. Ivy looks radiant under the sun in her bigger pot now. |
2013年10月16日星期三
我写作的风格
前几周，在课堂上，我的教授分享了某位名人的个人远景，他的personal vision。他是Dewitt Jones, 国家地理摄影记者兼美国顶尖摄影师。通过短片，他分享了他对大自然的热爱。他倡导对大自然的欣赏，通过真善美的视角看待大自然，把美好放大，把忧愁放小。因为他的热忱，他的理念，以致他的个人远景：Celebrate what's right with the world。
我看了后，觉得自己也应该对写作的热忱取个名字：
Celebrate the moments in your life
那天起，我就用这句话提醒自己写作的动力。因为我发现到，我个人的写作风格和写的内容，大多都是小小的moments,小小的时刻，但蕴含了浓浓的含义。
“竟然在大众书局一气呵成买了总值超过六十元的书籍。书类包括国际畅销作品，励志作品，爱情故事，和自我提升。 sometimes I appreciate and internalize self development better if it's in English, I guess that's due to the English education system I grow up in, 但如果我想动动右脑用用情商（抑或，满足一点点稍纵即逝对爱情的渴望），我会拿起一本中文作品，而且一般都是台湾作品。也许是母语的关系，所以觉得比较亲切，也因为台湾是一个热情的地方。so if I want to learn something, I learn better with English. If I want to feel something, I prefer Chinese.
对不常阅读的我，一次过花费六十多块买书，诱人的折扣和回扣当然得负责任，but it's the first time in my whole life that I appreciate my bilingual ability so much。” #自豪
珍贵的时刻每时每刻在你身旁发生，所以一旦对某一个画面有感触，我善用智能手机，立即拍立即写。我把这过程称为“闪写”（类似当下流行的闪小说，只是更短，更快）
例如：雨后，路过大厅是发现门窗外布满露珠，觉得画面很美所以回忆小时候玩的电玩：
“在common lounge里印完文件后，忽然有一位女子进来，在隔着
我是坐在这道布满了晨露的门窗写的，透过这窗，令我幻想
“在common lounge里印完文件后，忽然有一位女子进来，在隔着
我是坐在这道布满了晨露的门窗写的，透过这窗，令我幻想
在闪写的时候，我简单的描述，极少引用深词。因为我发现到，不断引用深词来描写太耗时了。也须深词，若应用得恰当，能把那一时刻刻画得更生动，但对我而言，珍贵的是当下那时刻的感触，一旦错过就没了，所以先写下来为重。有些感触很复杂，所以我常引用比喻词。
例如: 在Utown 开会，上厕所的路途中看到阳光烫在地板上，好似红地毯，迎接崭新的一天。
“阳光烫在校园的木板地。是迎接崭新一天的红地毯。在这红
#momentsinNUS
“阳光烫在校园的木板地。是迎接崭新一天的红地毯。在这红
#momentsinNUS
那时刻所给你的感触可以教会你很多东西，可能让你领悟某些道理，或在你绞尽脑汁想某个问题的时候，突然茅塞顿开。那感觉非常奇妙。一般上，这些“时刻”都发生在我散步的时候；比如从自习室走到厕所、饭后散步、或者在家里没事做。
例如：刚买了几本书，中英参半，对自己双语能力深感自豪。
“竟然在大众书局一气呵成买了总值超过六十元的书籍。书类包括国际畅销作品，励志作品，爱情故事，和自我提升。 sometimes I appreciate and internalize self development better if it's in English, I guess that's due to the English education system I grow up in, 但如果我想动动右脑用用情商（抑或，满足一点点稍纵即逝对爱情的渴望），我会拿起一本中文作品，而且一般都是台湾作品。也许是母语的关系，所以觉得比较亲切，也因为台湾是一个热情的地方。so if I want to learn something, I learn better with English. If I want to feel something, I prefer Chinese.
对不常阅读的我，一次过花费六十多块买书，诱人的折扣和回扣当然得负责任，but it's the first time in my whole life that I appreciate my bilingual ability so much。” #自豪
我觉得社交媒体是好的，它当然是双面刀，有利有弊，但如果你能稍微控制些、自律点，它其实是利多于弊的。Facebook就提供了我一个管道，让我通过照片和精力，分享一些传统华人价值观的看法。
例如：老妈爱煮，因为她觉得家里每天一定要有至少一个人每天煮饭煮汤给大家吃。
“老妈最令我欣赏的其中一点就是孜孜不倦的创新心态。年过半百，仍然满脑子的点子试新料理。上个星期搞了日式煎蛋包炒饭，这周末来了本地甜品漠漠查查(bubor chacha)。端午节时，她也亲身示范，传授了肉粽食谱给我。
从未真真做个厨师的她却具备了厨师勇于尝试、改进的条件。她是有想过开个小贩摊位买点杂菜饭之类的。梦想不懂年龄。可我倒觉得老妈的家常菜如此出色，动力不在于梦想。妈妈一心想为家人厨好吃的，就这么简单。#尊敬”
“老妈最令我欣赏的其中一点就是孜孜不倦的创新心态。年过半百，仍然满脑子的点子试新料理。上个星期搞了日式煎蛋包炒饭，这周末来了本地甜品漠漠查查(bubor chacha)。端午节时，她也亲身示范，传授了肉粽食谱给我。
从未真真做个厨师的她却具备了厨师勇于尝试、改进的条件。她是有想过开个小贩摊位买点杂菜饭之类的。梦想不懂年龄。可我倒觉得老妈的家常菜如此出色，动力不在于梦想。妈妈一心想为家人厨好吃的，就这么简单。#尊敬”
我想对所有时下的年轻人说，只要你对周遭事情有某一些感触，不妨把它写下来。不只是one-liner或简单的describe而已，也要记得附加你个人看法。怎么写都好，用手写，用能手机写，叫别人帮你写，都行。因为当你写下来，你就把那一时刻的画面和你的感触扣下来，几年下来再回顾你写的东西，必定回味无穷。
当然，用中文写有他的魅力，用英文写有他的用途。我从小些到大，发现到某些感触某些时刻只有通过自己的母语才能真真切切、实实在在的表达出来。尤其当我在写我妈妈的烹饪经验，我只用中文。在闪写某些random encounters，比如在租屋楼下看到好心人用纸皮报纸为小猫扑了个床，我拍下来用英语闪写po上Facebook。感觉比较直接。我当下脑海里头用什么语言思考，我就不加思索用那个语言闪写。我蛮相信我的直觉的。当然，这直觉性因人而异。我希望在座的每一位都能去探索一番，发掘自己的写作风格。
“Thanks to the kind soul who provided a piece of cardboard and some newspaper for this cat. You built a nice corner that it can return to after a long day out =]”
“Thanks to the kind soul who provided a piece of cardboard and some newspaper for this cat. You built a nice corner that it can return to after a long day out =]”
写作。不必在乎文笔能力。只要你有思考能力，你就有写作能力。
Just Write It。
我的分享就到这。谢谢大家聆听。
2013年10月7日星期一
昨晚，我接到朋友的一通电话。
Last night, I got a call from a friend. At
11pm. It's someone whom I haven't spoken to for a long time. I sleep at 12am
nowadays. I have a tutorial to prepare for tomorrow. I thought I'm going to be
damn tired after the chat. Like totally prepared to wake 2 hrs earlier in the
morning to get my tutorial and 3 other to-dos done.
We had a good chat. We talked and listened
to each other attentively. Never interrupting. And I don’t have to think of
what my next sentence is going to be during the whole conversation. It was a
slow paced and steady chat. I really like it... When we couldn’t hear each
other clearly over the phones we plugged our earpieces in and we could hear
each other clearer.
When I hung up, it was 12:30am. And I'm not
in the least bit tired. Rather, I felt more energised. I showered and finished
the tutorial before 1:30am.
I think there's magic in those moments I
talked to my friend. It was moments when we listened closely to what we had to
say with our heart...I think there's magic in hearing the voices of your
friend, not for a few minutes, but for an hour or so. Over the phone, we shared
about some ongoings in each other's lives. And surprisingly I find myself being
able to think clearer and express more freely over the chat.
There's magic in those moments when one
friend is willing to let go of whatever's on hand and just connect with you and
stop time with you. Yes, time does feel like it stopped. Suddenly things don't
move so fast like beeping whatsapp messages; people stopped fleeting by like
rushed conversations out of social/ courtesy obligations.
I believe we gain some energy from our
friends through deep engagement like a long chat over the phone. Energy to move
on with life with more drive. Drive to pen down all these thoughts within
minutes. It certainly was a feeling I hadn't felt for a long, long time.
昨晚，有位朋友通了个电话给我。是许久都没有联络上的朋友。正是晚上十一点正。我通常在午夜十二点准时睡觉。不巧，明早的课堂作业我还没准备。看来聊天后应该会疲惫不堪，得早起两个小时写作业和完成该完成的事情。
我当然没有抱着抱怨的语气、疲惫的态度和朋友聊天。所谓有朋自远方来，不亦乐乎。更何况，当今“非死不可”和“哇噻扑”爆炸的时代，能接到一通诚意电话，就算是午夜凶铃，我也乐意接听（贞子，请别当真）。
我和朋友聊得相当畅快。我专心倾听朋友想说的一切，从不打岔。专心倾听，就是在听的时候，也不同时动脑筋想你下一句该怎么接话；就是将所有注意力放在“听”之上。就算说话之间有安静的时候，我也当那是给予彼此思想的空间。当我们都听不清楚彼此时，我们不约而同的将耳机戴上，朋友说的话和话语传达得更清晰了。
和朋友聊天的那一刻非常特别，仿佛有股无形的力量保护着我们，
人与人之间的沟通是很奇妙。这里的沟通特指最为原始、
2013年8月9日星期五
So Thankful...=]
My first ever birthday surprise in my entire lifetime! Probably the bestest and most memorable for many years to come...i'm sure =D
To be frank, I never liked to celebrate my birthdays. So I penned down why I do not like to celebrate birthdays...hopefully by doing so I could appreciate the unhappy memories better...and embrace the future exciting celebrations unfolding in front of me like magic =]
Why do I not like to celebrate birthdays
Bad experience during birthdays when I was younger
When I was in secondary three, my birthday fell on a Saturday. My family planned to have a meal together that afternoon. Unfortunately, my dad had an issue with giving my mum the groceries money for that month (that's probably the time when he's spending money on another woman outside). My eldest brother stood up for my mum and demanded my dad to give her the money to spend for that month. After some fierce demands, my dad gave in, but he threw the money at my mum's face. That enraged my eldest brother and he almost fought it out with my dad. My mum tried to push them apart. I only recalled feeling very frustrated why such a fight has to happen on that day and why can't we talk things out amicably without involving violence, and I left my house, grabbed my bicycle, and cycled the route to school in tears. When I reached the junction between Fort Road and Tanjong Rhu, I don't know where to go. I just knew I don't want to see my family quarreling. Just then, my dad called and he apologised. I recalled I said "你现在说对不起有什么用？" That's my birthday in secondary three.
In NS1, that's when the serial "Little Nyonya" was still on show. Peranakan cuisine was in the trend and my mum felt like trying Peranakan cuisine. So I placed a reservation at the Peranakan restaurant at Esplanade I must admit I'm not so good at organising things at that point of time. It's 11am. The reservation is at 12pm. I need to get my cake (haha the irony). Everyone is still sleeping except myself and mum. So I brought mum to go to Marina Square to buy with me. I wasn't very familiar with Marina Square so we took a while to locate Secret Recipe. I kinda knew there's a convenient confectionery shop located right at Esplanade but I wanted to try a cake not-from-Choz-again. Because it took such a long time, we ended up reaching the restaurant at 1pm. Elder brother had a really aggressive personality and sharp tongue at that time (that almost borders along being bitchy) and he gave a extremely reproaching look and exclaimed aloud that they have been waiting for one whole hour and I should have at least called to inform that we are going to be late. I did receive some missed calls but didnt respond, 'cause we are late already anyway. But what immediately went through my mind was "Fuck, I had to get my own cake, make my own reservation. When did the birthday boy become the busiest boy?". That was my 21st birthday.
In my JC1, no one seemed to remember my birthday. Except my JC CCA mates who remembered and got me a cake to celebrate together with my senior. I'm really thankful for them. So back at my home, my farher who had an exceptional knack for anything related to dates and figures (especially if they can permutate into 4-digits number...'cause they are the purpose in life for my father which reoccurs every Wed, Sat and Sun). He remembered it's my birthday and went around asking everyone in the household (including myself) how my birthday celebration is gonna be like. Seeing nothing being discussed and no one taking initiative, I took the lead and informed everyone to come back home for an afternoon meal on a Saturday. Yea, at that time, I had a certain liking towards organising birthday celebrations and conjuring up surprises for my friends, just that I got so involved in doing these that I ended up doing for myself too. And so, on that day, I bought the cake with my dad chauffering me, and placed order for PastaMania too. That was my 17th birthday. And it's probably from then on that birthday celebrations = logistics work for me.
Of course there's somemore reasons that makes me irk my own birthday celebration as a whole. I never know how to react/ what to say during birthday songs or when receiving presents. I have a certain list of what I wish to have constantly on my mind, and chances are rare that the presents fall on that list. But I know it's only polite to accept a present gracefully, so I accepted all presents with open arms...just that sometimes I do feel the pain for my friends who go through the pain to get a present which I might not eventually like or use. In the same light, I feel really bad when I know people who went the trouble to get the cake for me, cracked their brains to think of presents to get. (On a side note, I realised that receiving presents is a delicate social skill, but what's also amazing is how you treat the present after that. I don't allow myself to be two-faced about the present - receiving graciously but not actually appreciating their uses after the celebration. So I made sure I creatively utilised all presents in every single occasions regardless i liked it or not on first impression:
- i might not like a t-shirt on first impression but i wore it anyway and tried to define a new fashion style
- i loved the ipod nano my family got for me and brought it everywhere I go, and used it to double up as additional flash disk
- i never liked metal brace watch but my sec sch friends got it for me in my first year in university and since then i've always worn it when I go to school - it seems to easily suit whatever I wear to school, be it tshirt, jeans, formal or smart casual.
Part of the receiving and appreciating presents process made me realise that even if I don' t a liking to the things I come across, I'll put in effort to like and learn how to appreciate them better; sooner or later, I'll have a better impression of them, and these presents will gradually grow to be an important part of my life. This realisation is analagous to the quote which I used to motivate my training in OCS (I never wanted to be an Officer) - Life might not be the party we ask for, but while we are here, we should dance.
So yea, in the same light, you might not like the presents you receive, but since it's now yours, you should love or at least learn to love it. Because if you do, you'll eventually find them indispensable =] (I do hope something similar will happen to my future girlfriend and me =P)
And of course - i dont like to be the focal point/ centre of attention, being in the limelight during my birthday celebration just made me feel like burying a hole and hiding myself from the crowd.
记忆是痛苦的。我之所以想记述这几段经历是希望写下记忆后能够好好地把过去放下，不一定要埋起来，毕竟记忆是自己的一部分。我宁愿乐观的面对不快乐的记忆从中学习点道理，也不要不甘愿地埋葬回忆结果只记得不快乐不记得事情的究竟。乐观的面对过去，也算是给自己一个完整的交待。人事物以不同于往事，拿过去的记忆来看待现在，其实是对周围的家人朋友不公平的。
feels nice to get them off my chest! and my 24th Birthday celebration was such a blast thanks to all my bros for putting everything for me.
i feel really loved =']
To be frank, I never liked to celebrate my birthdays. So I penned down why I do not like to celebrate birthdays...hopefully by doing so I could appreciate the unhappy memories better...and embrace the future exciting celebrations unfolding in front of me like magic =]
Why do I not like to celebrate birthdays
Bad experience during birthdays when I was younger
When I was in secondary three, my birthday fell on a Saturday. My family planned to have a meal together that afternoon. Unfortunately, my dad had an issue with giving my mum the groceries money for that month (that's probably the time when he's spending money on another woman outside). My eldest brother stood up for my mum and demanded my dad to give her the money to spend for that month. After some fierce demands, my dad gave in, but he threw the money at my mum's face. That enraged my eldest brother and he almost fought it out with my dad. My mum tried to push them apart. I only recalled feeling very frustrated why such a fight has to happen on that day and why can't we talk things out amicably without involving violence, and I left my house, grabbed my bicycle, and cycled the route to school in tears. When I reached the junction between Fort Road and Tanjong Rhu, I don't know where to go. I just knew I don't want to see my family quarreling. Just then, my dad called and he apologised. I recalled I said "你现在说对不起有什么用？" That's my birthday in secondary three.
In NS1, that's when the serial "Little Nyonya" was still on show. Peranakan cuisine was in the trend and my mum felt like trying Peranakan cuisine. So I placed a reservation at the Peranakan restaurant at Esplanade I must admit I'm not so good at organising things at that point of time. It's 11am. The reservation is at 12pm. I need to get my cake (haha the irony). Everyone is still sleeping except myself and mum. So I brought mum to go to Marina Square to buy with me. I wasn't very familiar with Marina Square so we took a while to locate Secret Recipe. I kinda knew there's a convenient confectionery shop located right at Esplanade but I wanted to try a cake not-from-Choz-again. Because it took such a long time, we ended up reaching the restaurant at 1pm. Elder brother had a really aggressive personality and sharp tongue at that time (that almost borders along being bitchy) and he gave a extremely reproaching look and exclaimed aloud that they have been waiting for one whole hour and I should have at least called to inform that we are going to be late. I did receive some missed calls but didnt respond, 'cause we are late already anyway. But what immediately went through my mind was "Fuck, I had to get my own cake, make my own reservation. When did the birthday boy become the busiest boy?". That was my 21st birthday.
In my JC1, no one seemed to remember my birthday. Except my JC CCA mates who remembered and got me a cake to celebrate together with my senior. I'm really thankful for them. So back at my home, my farher who had an exceptional knack for anything related to dates and figures (especially if they can permutate into 4-digits number...'cause they are the purpose in life for my father which reoccurs every Wed, Sat and Sun). He remembered it's my birthday and went around asking everyone in the household (including myself) how my birthday celebration is gonna be like. Seeing nothing being discussed and no one taking initiative, I took the lead and informed everyone to come back home for an afternoon meal on a Saturday. Yea, at that time, I had a certain liking towards organising birthday celebrations and conjuring up surprises for my friends, just that I got so involved in doing these that I ended up doing for myself too. And so, on that day, I bought the cake with my dad chauffering me, and placed order for PastaMania too. That was my 17th birthday. And it's probably from then on that birthday celebrations = logistics work for me.
Of course there's somemore reasons that makes me irk my own birthday celebration as a whole. I never know how to react/ what to say during birthday songs or when receiving presents. I have a certain list of what I wish to have constantly on my mind, and chances are rare that the presents fall on that list. But I know it's only polite to accept a present gracefully, so I accepted all presents with open arms...just that sometimes I do feel the pain for my friends who go through the pain to get a present which I might not eventually like or use. In the same light, I feel really bad when I know people who went the trouble to get the cake for me, cracked their brains to think of presents to get. (On a side note, I realised that receiving presents is a delicate social skill, but what's also amazing is how you treat the present after that. I don't allow myself to be two-faced about the present - receiving graciously but not actually appreciating their uses after the celebration. So I made sure I creatively utilised all presents in every single occasions regardless i liked it or not on first impression:
- i might not like a t-shirt on first impression but i wore it anyway and tried to define a new fashion style
- i loved the ipod nano my family got for me and brought it everywhere I go, and used it to double up as additional flash disk
- i never liked metal brace watch but my sec sch friends got it for me in my first year in university and since then i've always worn it when I go to school - it seems to easily suit whatever I wear to school, be it tshirt, jeans, formal or smart casual.
Part of the receiving and appreciating presents process made me realise that even if I don' t a liking to the things I come across, I'll put in effort to like and learn how to appreciate them better; sooner or later, I'll have a better impression of them, and these presents will gradually grow to be an important part of my life. This realisation is analagous to the quote which I used to motivate my training in OCS (I never wanted to be an Officer) - Life might not be the party we ask for, but while we are here, we should dance.
So yea, in the same light, you might not like the presents you receive, but since it's now yours, you should love or at least learn to love it. Because if you do, you'll eventually find them indispensable =] (I do hope something similar will happen to my future girlfriend and me =P)
And of course - i dont like to be the focal point/ centre of attention, being in the limelight during my birthday celebration just made me feel like burying a hole and hiding myself from the crowd.
记忆是痛苦的。我之所以想记述这几段经历是希望写下记忆后能够好好地把过去放下，不一定要埋起来，毕竟记忆是自己的一部分。我宁愿乐观的面对不快乐的记忆从中学习点道理，也不要不甘愿地埋葬回忆结果只记得不快乐不记得事情的究竟。乐观的面对过去，也算是给自己一个完整的交待。人事物以不同于往事，拿过去的记忆来看待现在，其实是对周围的家人朋友不公平的。
feels nice to get them off my chest! and my 24th Birthday celebration was such a blast thanks to all my bros for putting everything for me.
i feel really loved =']
2013年7月19日星期五
Trip to Bangkok with a woman
Whenever I travel just with one companion, I learnt something. A lot of things actually.
This trip, I learnt about women. And how they behave when they travel alone with another man.
You just gotta believe in some of the stereotypical humours about how long women take to makeup and dress up, and like to take photos at every meal/ place/ activity.
I'm gonna write this article for myself as a reminder when I have a girlfriend in future.
Do things together with them even if you don't like it;
if you don't, they might think that you are boring, or feeling unhappy, or throwing tantrums. Fortunately, it's not bad during this trip because she's not crazily taking photographs every moment. Just at some moments. Well, good thing I take pretty good shots, or else I will have to take repeated shots and end up late for the ferry trip back ( which, we almost did, when we reached the ferry the crew were already starting to fold the link bridge)
When it comes to sports, some women get tired out easily. But when it comes to shopping, please believe that women can really shop for whole from dawn to dusk, without rest, water, food, or toilet.
The fact that human are dehydrating every single second and it's better to drink lotsa water frequently especially in tropical countries doesn't seem to get in their head. I don't mind occasional mad rush when it comes to retail, it's even understandable that we are at Bangkok (hell lotsa imitations at amazingly cheap prices). But since we are on a travel holiday, it's even more understandable to have appropriate rest every now and then, after all, vacation is about learning to take things slowly isn't it?
Of course there are some instances where we can't take things slowly, i.e. important trips that gets you from one place to another - the domestic flight that you paid for, the ferry rides that departs at every hourly interval. You can't take these crucial trips lightly. But throughout the trip she doesnt seem worried about them at all. It was 8.25am and there's no red taxi in sight to bring you to the ferry that departs at 9:00am ( and the pier is a good 30minutes away... We haven't bought the tickets btw), so you worry and stand by the roadside out in the sun munching on your breakfast and keeping a close eye on incoming red taxis - and there she was sitting on a sofa chair inside McDonald's checking her phone. Not that im expecting my travel companion to stand out in the sun with me, we dont need that, but at least don't appear as if we are in a leisure mood? We were pressing for time...when we were about to reach the the pier, I gave heads up that we gotta walk fast cause we hadn't bought the ticket. Guess her response? She handed me a bill of 500 baht. I took a while to understand but her facial expression explained it - "ok, get the tickets for me, thanks".
It's either she thinks that it's a woman's prerogative to get men to do things for her, or she trusted me so much. The facial expression was in favor of the former hypothesis.
That prerogative doesnt stop there. Cause they honestly expect men to handle things for them. So that the programme can continue, so that things can get going. Things such as asking for directions, speaking to cashier, topping up Hi Card for them, sharing costs of topup with them when you don't need it at all but because she feels that the minimum topup is not worth the money so she feels better if someone shares the pain with her (similar to the concept of share the carbs, but this time it's real currency), making payment, proposing the menu while she's instagramming, getting the hotel room key from reception while she waits... To be frank, im fine with all these tasks, cause we are traveling together, and these are all necessary tasks so someone has to do them. I just happen to take initiative more often. I have to give her credits too cause she asked for directions occasionally as well, and that's how we located the famous shark fin soup that sells at SGD 10 per pot.
And I'm not really comfortable when such initiative are taken for granted. Imagine, when you are Suntanning and she comes over and drop the hotel key ( so that you can safekeep and she doesnt have to worry) and her mini bag of valuables on your towel ( so that she doesnt dirty them)... It can come across as rather demeaning. We are travel companions and there shouldnt be someone treated like a servant for another. I think there's differences between offering gentlemanly services, and being treated like a gentleman who's meant to serve ladies.
Well, im not after words of thanks or expressions of appreciation, I would love out if it was my girlfriend, but when we are traveling, perhaps the better way to reciprocate each others efforts is to take turns to take initiative and do the necessary.
It's also interesting to observe how much assurance women yearns to have. Especially when it comes to dolling up herseIf.
For example, sometimes when she can't decide between two green color belt, she'll ask for your opinion. At this juncture, Even if you don't find any difference, it will only do you good if you simply expresses some form of opinion on the two identical accessories. ( by the way, 'anything' doesnt count as an opinion, neither is anyhow choosing, cause be prepared to give a logical reason when she asks you why). Otherwise she's going to get stuck there or worse still start to consider some other design varieties and both of you are not going to get back hotel early. But it's good training though, it trains you to spot the subtle details that women likes to pay attention to on their fashion and appearances. It's actually nice to listen how they consider their fashion appearances especially if they have someone they love, and how they will choose colours and designs to please them. Not for this one though unfortunately.
Be careful about making promises! Make sure you mean it, or at least, have the ability to make it happen. Because she will remember. Casual remark like "ok I'll bring back some stuff for you" kinda translates to promising to bring back shopping loot back to Singapore so that she doesnt exceed the baggage limit. Good thing she does have my interest at heart, by asking me (repeatedly) to test how heavy is my/ her luggage and whether I can really bring back for her. I think she really hope to have certainty and assurance. Good thing also I requested for weighing scale to weigh the luggages before we head to Ko Samui.
When men talk about these characteristics of women, its not exactly meant to be complaints. It takes patience to understand women, and sometimes men lose patience, so instead of complaining or whining, some men prefer to laugh it off. We all do need some humor to get on with life don't we?
I personally understand that these are simply innate characteristics of women from a primitive, biological or psychological point of view, that women desires love and attention. Such desire is in fact true for men as well, just that women tends to express them in the above illustrated manners. They are unique characteristics that I think we should embrace as natural traits of women, rather than dismiss as flaws or incorrigible behavior and then try to change them. Why go against the nature when women are born to behave in such adorable ways?
So don't get defensive in case you think such articles are offensive generalizations, the wordings might sound so but there's definitely no ill intentions (I know better than to offend all the women in this world).
Anyway, if not for women and this trip, I wouldn't have been able to unleash my closet shopping desires!
This trip, I learnt about women. And how they behave when they travel alone with another man.
You just gotta believe in some of the stereotypical humours about how long women take to makeup and dress up, and like to take photos at every meal/ place/ activity.
I'm gonna write this article for myself as a reminder when I have a girlfriend in future.
Do things together with them even if you don't like it;
if you don't, they might think that you are boring, or feeling unhappy, or throwing tantrums. Fortunately, it's not bad during this trip because she's not crazily taking photographs every moment. Just at some moments. Well, good thing I take pretty good shots, or else I will have to take repeated shots and end up late for the ferry trip back ( which, we almost did, when we reached the ferry the crew were already starting to fold the link bridge)
When it comes to sports, some women get tired out easily. But when it comes to shopping, please believe that women can really shop for whole from dawn to dusk, without rest, water, food, or toilet.
The fact that human are dehydrating every single second and it's better to drink lotsa water frequently especially in tropical countries doesn't seem to get in their head. I don't mind occasional mad rush when it comes to retail, it's even understandable that we are at Bangkok (hell lotsa imitations at amazingly cheap prices). But since we are on a travel holiday, it's even more understandable to have appropriate rest every now and then, after all, vacation is about learning to take things slowly isn't it?
Of course there are some instances where we can't take things slowly, i.e. important trips that gets you from one place to another - the domestic flight that you paid for, the ferry rides that departs at every hourly interval. You can't take these crucial trips lightly. But throughout the trip she doesnt seem worried about them at all. It was 8.25am and there's no red taxi in sight to bring you to the ferry that departs at 9:00am ( and the pier is a good 30minutes away... We haven't bought the tickets btw), so you worry and stand by the roadside out in the sun munching on your breakfast and keeping a close eye on incoming red taxis - and there she was sitting on a sofa chair inside McDonald's checking her phone. Not that im expecting my travel companion to stand out in the sun with me, we dont need that, but at least don't appear as if we are in a leisure mood? We were pressing for time...when we were about to reach the the pier, I gave heads up that we gotta walk fast cause we hadn't bought the ticket. Guess her response? She handed me a bill of 500 baht. I took a while to understand but her facial expression explained it - "ok, get the tickets for me, thanks".
It's either she thinks that it's a woman's prerogative to get men to do things for her, or she trusted me so much. The facial expression was in favor of the former hypothesis.
That prerogative doesnt stop there. Cause they honestly expect men to handle things for them. So that the programme can continue, so that things can get going. Things such as asking for directions, speaking to cashier, topping up Hi Card for them, sharing costs of topup with them when you don't need it at all but because she feels that the minimum topup is not worth the money so she feels better if someone shares the pain with her (similar to the concept of share the carbs, but this time it's real currency), making payment, proposing the menu while she's instagramming, getting the hotel room key from reception while she waits... To be frank, im fine with all these tasks, cause we are traveling together, and these are all necessary tasks so someone has to do them. I just happen to take initiative more often. I have to give her credits too cause she asked for directions occasionally as well, and that's how we located the famous shark fin soup that sells at SGD 10 per pot.
And I'm not really comfortable when such initiative are taken for granted. Imagine, when you are Suntanning and she comes over and drop the hotel key ( so that you can safekeep and she doesnt have to worry) and her mini bag of valuables on your towel ( so that she doesnt dirty them)... It can come across as rather demeaning. We are travel companions and there shouldnt be someone treated like a servant for another. I think there's differences between offering gentlemanly services, and being treated like a gentleman who's meant to serve ladies.
Well, im not after words of thanks or expressions of appreciation, I would love out if it was my girlfriend, but when we are traveling, perhaps the better way to reciprocate each others efforts is to take turns to take initiative and do the necessary.
It's also interesting to observe how much assurance women yearns to have. Especially when it comes to dolling up herseIf.
For example, sometimes when she can't decide between two green color belt, she'll ask for your opinion. At this juncture, Even if you don't find any difference, it will only do you good if you simply expresses some form of opinion on the two identical accessories. ( by the way, 'anything' doesnt count as an opinion, neither is anyhow choosing, cause be prepared to give a logical reason when she asks you why). Otherwise she's going to get stuck there or worse still start to consider some other design varieties and both of you are not going to get back hotel early. But it's good training though, it trains you to spot the subtle details that women likes to pay attention to on their fashion and appearances. It's actually nice to listen how they consider their fashion appearances especially if they have someone they love, and how they will choose colours and designs to please them. Not for this one though unfortunately.
Be careful about making promises! Make sure you mean it, or at least, have the ability to make it happen. Because she will remember. Casual remark like "ok I'll bring back some stuff for you" kinda translates to promising to bring back shopping loot back to Singapore so that she doesnt exceed the baggage limit. Good thing she does have my interest at heart, by asking me (repeatedly) to test how heavy is my/ her luggage and whether I can really bring back for her. I think she really hope to have certainty and assurance. Good thing also I requested for weighing scale to weigh the luggages before we head to Ko Samui.
When men talk about these characteristics of women, its not exactly meant to be complaints. It takes patience to understand women, and sometimes men lose patience, so instead of complaining or whining, some men prefer to laugh it off. We all do need some humor to get on with life don't we?
I personally understand that these are simply innate characteristics of women from a primitive, biological or psychological point of view, that women desires love and attention. Such desire is in fact true for men as well, just that women tends to express them in the above illustrated manners. They are unique characteristics that I think we should embrace as natural traits of women, rather than dismiss as flaws or incorrigible behavior and then try to change them. Why go against the nature when women are born to behave in such adorable ways?
So don't get defensive in case you think such articles are offensive generalizations, the wordings might sound so but there's definitely no ill intentions (I know better than to offend all the women in this world).
Anyway, if not for women and this trip, I wouldn't have been able to unleash my closet shopping desires!
Making Collective Decisions together
Making decisions together. I realise I really appreciate collective decision making.
Checking whether the other party is comfortable with the arrangement and willingly make some compromises.
Choosing a few options and throwing the final decision making to the other party, is not collective decision making. I feel that is just hastily fulfilling your responsibility in the decision making process but avoiding being responsible for the final decision made. My sensing is that it all stems from the lack of courage or simply lazy avoidance of being accountable for the final decision.
A typical decision making process with my travel companion this time round involves me asking what we should do next, her offering a few options, and then telling me "you decide". At such an instant I felt a heavy responsibility lying on me. Doesnt traveling together entails making decision together at every step? Furthermore, there's only two of us. Inefficiency due to over-involvement of people is out of the question. I'm open to any decision making style ' cause I understand that everyone prioritizes differently, but this style has proven to be uncomfortable for me.
In case anything unhappiness happens, she can joyfully said that I didnt decide on that.
Decision making involves information gathering, involving stakeholders, making the final say, and most importantly, I feel, being accountable for the decision you make. During travel, that translates to making the best out of every activity you do and places you visit, regardless of whether it's something you like or dislike from the start. It's about creating moments for yourself and travel companion despite the circumstances from start through the end.
Checking whether the other party is comfortable with the arrangement and willingly make some compromises.
Choosing a few options and throwing the final decision making to the other party, is not collective decision making. I feel that is just hastily fulfilling your responsibility in the decision making process but avoiding being responsible for the final decision made. My sensing is that it all stems from the lack of courage or simply lazy avoidance of being accountable for the final decision.
A typical decision making process with my travel companion this time round involves me asking what we should do next, her offering a few options, and then telling me "you decide". At such an instant I felt a heavy responsibility lying on me. Doesnt traveling together entails making decision together at every step? Furthermore, there's only two of us. Inefficiency due to over-involvement of people is out of the question. I'm open to any decision making style ' cause I understand that everyone prioritizes differently, but this style has proven to be uncomfortable for me.
In case anything unhappiness happens, she can joyfully said that I didnt decide on that.
Decision making involves information gathering, involving stakeholders, making the final say, and most importantly, I feel, being accountable for the decision you make. During travel, that translates to making the best out of every activity you do and places you visit, regardless of whether it's something you like or dislike from the start. It's about creating moments for yourself and travel companion despite the circumstances from start through the end.
2013年6月12日星期三
敏敏
仅此献给过去十一年陪伴我们成长的爱猫，敏敏。
“。。。你快点回来啊！敏敏不可以了啦！”
"Eh, come back soon, Minmin's moving on already。"
其实，我很怕接到这种电话的。听完后，总有一种不知所措的心情。。。不对，连心情都不是。 那几乎是一种茫然状态。我不晓得我待会儿会如何反应。
其实，自从敏敏两个星期前从兽医那儿接回来后，全家人就处在一种焦虑状态，只是不说出来。老二同意医生的见解，与其进进出出医院，寝食不安，情况不见好转还每况愈下。。。不如接回家，好好在熟悉的环境过完接下来的日子吧。所以，日子照样过。只是敏敏连步行都懒了，成天找某个角落隐蔽世间。早上在马桶边卧着，晚上则躲到裁缝车的帘布下，头向内，屁股朝外。平时都会躺在窗前享受日光浴的他，现在反而眷恋暗黑的角落。我知道它想躲避。
我很喜欢敏敏的。虽然他常跳上床和我抢床位，虽然夜晚睡得正香的时候会感觉到他徐徐蠕动在我的小腿上，虽然和他玩耍的时候曾经被抓伤过，不过过去的十一年就是因为有着这些moments，童年不曾离开我和我的家。
追朔到敏敏如何进入我们家。。。我记得小时候老妈家规比较死板，由于家里拜观音，为了尊重神台在家中的位子，一律不准让畜牲动物踏入我们家。所以老二、小弟和我三个常常溜到五楼的走廊和黑猫白猫玩耍。怎知，有一段时间，一只白姜颜色参半的小猫咪不断出没在我们家走廊。我们都从没见过的，也不像是从五楼来的。但他就不停的徘徊在我们家门外。老二找来了篮子，铺上几块布，放在家外的鞋柜下，这小猫咪就更粘我们家了。有好几回，小猫咪擅自钻入铁门尝试进入我们家，老妈都不示好脸色，但在老二的求情下，她还是答应了让小猫咪入门。于是，当年老二的怜悯之心和老妈的慈悲为怀就结下了敏敏和我们的缘分。
敏敏这名字怎么取的，没有人能记得出个所以然。这“敏”为一般女生名字“慧敏”或“嘉敏”的敏，但敏敏是雄性猫。老妈说这敏是“敏捷”里头的“敏”，因为敏敏身手敏捷，很快就熟悉家中环境，来时的前几周就在不少的荒谬角落找到他的踪影，譬如冰箱上，衣柜上，马桶边，和阿公的背部。我倒觉得“明明”还比较适合男生（因为小学华文写作时“小明”高踞所有作文故事里头主人翁命名榜首），但也许第三声叫起来比较口爱，几年下来就演变成了“敏敏”。只要叫得顺就行。到现在，每次听到老妈叫起“敏敏”的名字是，都觉得特别富有母爱。
敏敏成为家种一份子后，我们刚好购买了生平第一台数码相机。家里同时来的两件“第一次”就顺其自然的掀起了一股摄影热潮。放学回来后，就连电玩都少完了，取而代之的消遣活动就是拍敏敏的照片。拍他躺在午后阳光下睡觉、抱着小小熊睡觉、拍他第一次学习到马桶自行大小便、拍他爬高爬低。。。在camwhore还未普及化之前，我们早已是开山鼻祖，创办了catwhore。敏敏一点一滴的成长过程，我都细细的存档在电脑里头，按年、月、份处理。
照片的存档在敏敏出事后派上用场。医院允许我们在的宠物骨灰地窖旁挂上照片。老妈指定要选能看见敏敏全身的照片，还选了一张敏敏生前和平平和妞妞合拍的照片。当年的平平爬上窗不慎从九楼跌倒一楼（还逢骤雨），而妞妞则在我当兵那年失踪了。的确是白发猫送黑发猫，否则敏敏的两位玩伴便能陪敏敏走完最后一程。
我蛮想念触摸敏敏的感觉的。尤其在他躺在阳光下的时候，掌心会在瞬间内感受到世间的温暖。轻轻搓揉他肥肥的身体，他就会轻轻的发出“咕噜咕噜”的声响回应。这代表敏敏觉得安全、舒服。这时的他，还是眯着眼睛的。敏敏的存在，为家这避风港盖上了温暖的被窝。
只可惜。生理循环还是从我们手中剥夺了这温暖的被窝。那天早上，我们乘坐大哥的车前往医院。我用毛巾抱着敏敏的躯体，他全程毫无动弹。我记得他的嘴是张开的，眼睛是瞪得大大的。我记得我哭了整个车程。我记得我对敏敏说“敏敏，你起来可以吗？”还重复。
没想到，当天晚上打算安排他安乐死，早上就先走一步了。老妈不断地说敏敏他很聪明，他是感觉得到的。。。毕竟，它也折腾了三个月了。
于是，陪着我们走了十一年的敏敏，到了下一个世界去。我相信，在那个世界，阳光更明媚，更暖和，敏敏的猫毛会在太阳底下发光的。
敏敏，谢谢你的陪伴。
=]
 |
当你老了，当你瘦了，当你不再像从前那么活跃了，别担心不会人疼你。
只是看你瘦成这个样子，反而更加心疼。
|
“。。。你快点回来啊！敏敏不可以了啦！”
"Eh, come back soon, Minmin's moving on already。"
其实，我很怕接到这种电话的。听完后，总有一种不知所措的心情。。。不对，连心情都不是。 那几乎是一种茫然状态。我不晓得我待会儿会如何反应。
其实，自从敏敏两个星期前从兽医那儿接回来后，全家人就处在一种焦虑状态，只是不说出来。老二同意医生的见解，与其进进出出医院，寝食不安，情况不见好转还每况愈下。。。不如接回家，好好在熟悉的环境过完接下来的日子吧。所以，日子照样过。只是敏敏连步行都懒了，成天找某个角落隐蔽世间。早上在马桶边卧着，晚上则躲到裁缝车的帘布下，头向内，屁股朝外。平时都会躺在窗前享受日光浴的他，现在反而眷恋暗黑的角落。我知道它想躲避。
我很喜欢敏敏的。虽然他常跳上床和我抢床位，虽然夜晚睡得正香的时候会感觉到他徐徐蠕动在我的小腿上，虽然和他玩耍的时候曾经被抓伤过，不过过去的十一年就是因为有着这些moments，童年不曾离开我和我的家。
追朔到敏敏如何进入我们家。。。我记得小时候老妈家规比较死板，由于家里拜观音，为了尊重神台在家中的位子，一律不准让畜牲动物踏入我们家。所以老二、小弟和我三个常常溜到五楼的走廊和黑猫白猫玩耍。怎知，有一段时间，一只白姜颜色参半的小猫咪不断出没在我们家走廊。我们都从没见过的，也不像是从五楼来的。但他就不停的徘徊在我们家门外。老二找来了篮子，铺上几块布，放在家外的鞋柜下，这小猫咪就更粘我们家了。有好几回，小猫咪擅自钻入铁门尝试进入我们家，老妈都不示好脸色，但在老二的求情下，她还是答应了让小猫咪入门。于是，当年老二的怜悯之心和老妈的慈悲为怀就结下了敏敏和我们的缘分。
敏敏这名字怎么取的，没有人能记得出个所以然。这“敏”为一般女生名字“慧敏”或“嘉敏”的敏，但敏敏是雄性猫。老妈说这敏是“敏捷”里头的“敏”，因为敏敏身手敏捷，很快就熟悉家中环境，来时的前几周就在不少的荒谬角落找到他的踪影，譬如冰箱上，衣柜上，马桶边，和阿公的背部。我倒觉得“明明”还比较适合男生（因为小学华文写作时“小明”高踞所有作文故事里头主人翁命名榜首），但也许第三声叫起来比较口爱，几年下来就演变成了“敏敏”。只要叫得顺就行。到现在，每次听到老妈叫起“敏敏”的名字是，都觉得特别富有母爱。
敏敏成为家种一份子后，我们刚好购买了生平第一台数码相机。家里同时来的两件“第一次”就顺其自然的掀起了一股摄影热潮。放学回来后，就连电玩都少完了，取而代之的消遣活动就是拍敏敏的照片。拍他躺在午后阳光下睡觉、抱着小小熊睡觉、拍他第一次学习到马桶自行大小便、拍他爬高爬低。。。在camwhore还未普及化之前，我们早已是开山鼻祖，创办了catwhore。敏敏一点一滴的成长过程，我都细细的存档在电脑里头，按年、月、份处理。
照片的存档在敏敏出事后派上用场。医院允许我们在的宠物骨灰地窖旁挂上照片。老妈指定要选能看见敏敏全身的照片，还选了一张敏敏生前和平平和妞妞合拍的照片。当年的平平爬上窗不慎从九楼跌倒一楼（还逢骤雨），而妞妞则在我当兵那年失踪了。的确是白发猫送黑发猫，否则敏敏的两位玩伴便能陪敏敏走完最后一程。
我蛮想念触摸敏敏的感觉的。尤其在他躺在阳光下的时候，掌心会在瞬间内感受到世间的温暖。轻轻搓揉他肥肥的身体，他就会轻轻的发出“咕噜咕噜”的声响回应。这代表敏敏觉得安全、舒服。这时的他，还是眯着眼睛的。敏敏的存在，为家这避风港盖上了温暖的被窝。
只可惜。生理循环还是从我们手中剥夺了这温暖的被窝。那天早上，我们乘坐大哥的车前往医院。我用毛巾抱着敏敏的躯体，他全程毫无动弹。我记得他的嘴是张开的，眼睛是瞪得大大的。我记得我哭了整个车程。我记得我对敏敏说“敏敏，你起来可以吗？”还重复。
没想到，当天晚上打算安排他安乐死，早上就先走一步了。老妈不断地说敏敏他很聪明，他是感觉得到的。。。毕竟，它也折腾了三个月了。
于是，陪着我们走了十一年的敏敏，到了下一个世界去。我相信，在那个世界，阳光更明媚，更暖和，敏敏的猫毛会在太阳底下发光的。
敏敏，谢谢你的陪伴。
=]
2013年4月14日星期日
看歌剧《半生缘》感想
爱情漫长，颠簸坎坷，犹如千千万万篇可歌可泣的多角恋爱情故事。窜于当中的变种亲情反观相当震惊。
恶毒手段竟来自亲情，亲姐姐送妹妹入狼穴。我觉得所有报复行为都是一股冲动，并非真正有目的的计划，因为就算计划完成了，目的也不见得像当初的阴谋那么完美地呈现。
曼璐送妹妹给丈夫，目的是为了让自己往后的日子就会好过些，可那只是她天真的以为。她其实是被内心的不平衡蒙蔽了。自小自愿为妹妹不顾一切的牺牲，始于善意，却在大人的残酷世界里被摧残成因生命的不公平而导致的必不得已。当年的牺牲变种成了对曼桢的恨之入骨。如果恨只是一种感觉，那该多好。可惜，生活情况的压力，各种诱惑，勾引着曼璐的恨，将之引导向行为，所以才酝酿悲剧。当年温馨的“为妹妹所愿”变种成了喂食报复的冲动。实在可惜。
所谓不求回报的牺牲，一心一意单单纯纯的为一个人付出，原来也有它难以预料得后遗症。这是影响我比较深的感触。我觉得，要无条件付出，就务必要遵守里头“无条件”的原则。无条件付出不应该是未来有所要求随时拿出来兑换人情的筹码。因为，无论是爱情亲情友情的关系，都是缘份，不是交易。但可以稍微体谅的是，人在情况所迫的当下，别无选择的当下，是会召集身上所有的筹码来孤注一掷，哪怕是赔上了坚持多年的原则。这时候的人，可以特别坚强，也可以特别脆弱，也特别容易让七情六欲在不知不觉中侵蚀。人之初是性本善或性本邪的争议也就在这时再度开战了。
纵使亲情关系不是交易，但你和你自己的命运，却是一场交易。更贴切，是赌注。虽然我不认同曼璐的选择，但是，在不晓得命运会怎么玩弄你的情况下，你也很难晓得自己会和自己命运下怎样的赌注。
风云不测的命运里，要秉着人之初性本善贯彻始终何等容易。但为了亲人，为了自己，为了良心，这性本善还是值得磨练的。
2013年1月31日星期四
Feeling less driven
i feel much less motivated nowadays. to do CE Club work. last time i used to have s0 much drive and energy. to close deals, meet deadlines, set deadlines and make sure they all followed. right now when i'm the Chairperson, things are so different.
i know i have to set deadlines and craft timeline but sometimes it's just so difficult to start, it's difficult to start from scratch, to start from nought. i just know i have to start, but how?
i actually thought that by giving ownership to my EXCO members, things would go faster because i left a lot of deciding power to them. but sometimes i feel that they are not using enough of their power to make decisions, or putting in enough thoughts to plan the macro picture with me. what's wrong with delegating ownership?
maybe i gave the ownership too early. all of them are new to the job. they know not what to expect of themselves, much less to set expectations for their subcomm members
maybe more should come from me, because they might be feeling just as lost as me. but no, i cannot be feeling lost, the direction of the Club MC must be very defined for my members to feel and follow it.
i should step in more and deliver more tangible goals and empower the Vice-Chairs to be more result-driven.
i know i have to set deadlines and craft timeline but sometimes it's just so difficult to start, it's difficult to start from scratch, to start from nought. i just know i have to start, but how?
i actually thought that by giving ownership to my EXCO members, things would go faster because i left a lot of deciding power to them. but sometimes i feel that they are not using enough of their power to make decisions, or putting in enough thoughts to plan the macro picture with me. what's wrong with delegating ownership?
maybe i gave the ownership too early. all of them are new to the job. they know not what to expect of themselves, much less to set expectations for their subcomm members
maybe more should come from me, because they might be feeling just as lost as me. but no, i cannot be feeling lost, the direction of the Club MC must be very defined for my members to feel and follow it.
i should step in more and deliver more tangible goals and empower the Vice-Chairs to be more result-driven.
2013年1月10日星期四
"So..which girl do you like?"
"So..which girl do you like?"
男人谈心之夜，不外讨论某个所谓另类男人，感情，女人，还有女人。
就那一晚在印度酒店房里，队友叫我一同进房，一开始是讨论某个队友向女生示爱(暗示的示，抑或表态)的方式是多么出众，然后论他的性格(high achiever,基本上是晚睡早起，起身就check and clear emails，已有两门生意，以事业为重的男生)。
然后问有没有女朋友。然后问是不是团队中的其中之一。这两个男人可见对我的感情观很感兴趣。大概是他俩彼此间已经聊完了个天南地北，所以找来了我增添点新意。
不过说实在，男人间论女人，论爱情，还真迅速的培养感情。我想这是建立在彼此信任的基础上 - 你叙述你的感情经历，我说我心路历程，再彼此分享心得，提出善意提议。虽然都属男人，但在面对感情困惑也会有千百种不同的反应和考量。二十来岁的我们尤其好奇看看别人，想想自己。
这两个男人还蛮大方的分享各自的爱情史，为了鼓励我分享我的，他们还追朔到自己的初恋。因为"我说了我的，你就要说你的"。好像小朋友们交换秘密似的。
所以他们再问，是不是队中女生之一。
我说我很害羞。他们就各自说起害羞如何让他们错过缘分。看他们那么坚持，我就说了。
所以听着，只有惋惜，没有感同深受
说道Y虽是家中最小但仍对自己独立要求相当严格;J就很哥儿们派，一有事相求肯定拔刀相助;O 的个性很刚强，有着俏丽的脸蛋，形成迷人的对比。显然这很不符合他们的问题，因为连我自己都自觉我只是很单调地列出我欣赏各自女生的条件。而当我在形容这几位女生时，我没有恋爱或单恋男生的雀跃。
也许我看待女生看得太理性？或许我真的还没有非常喜欢的女生？但这段对话，多少也让我进一步了解我喜欢的女生。
男人谈心之夜，不外讨论某个所谓另类男人，感情，女人，还有女人。
就那一晚在印度酒店房里，队友叫我一同进房，一开始是讨论某个队友向女生示爱(暗示的示，抑或表态)的方式是多么出众，然后论他的性格(high achiever,基本上是晚睡早起，起身就check and clear emails，已有两门生意，以事业为重的男生)。
然后问有没有女朋友。然后问是不是团队中的其中之一。这两个男人可见对我的感情观很感兴趣。大概是他俩彼此间已经聊完了个天南地北，所以找来了我增添点新意。
不过说实在，男人间论女人，论爱情，还真迅速的培养感情。我想这是建立在彼此信任的基础上 - 你叙述你的感情经历，我说我心路历程，再彼此分享心得，提出善意提议。虽然都属男人，但在面对感情困惑也会有千百种不同的反应和考量。二十来岁的我们尤其好奇看看别人，想想自己。
这两个男人还蛮大方的分享各自的爱情史，为了鼓励我分享我的，他们还追朔到自己的初恋。因为"我说了我的，你就要说你的"。好像小朋友们交换秘密似的。
所以他们再问，是不是队中女生之一。
我说我很害羞。他们就各自说起害羞如何让他们错过缘分。看他们那么坚持，我就说了。
所以听着，只有惋惜，没有感同深受
说道Y虽是家中最小但仍对自己独立要求相当严格;J就很哥儿们派，一有事相求肯定拔刀相助;O 的个性很刚强，有着俏丽的脸蛋，形成迷人的对比。显然这很不符合他们的问题，因为连我自己都自觉我只是很单调地列出我欣赏各自女生的条件。而当我在形容这几位女生时，我没有恋爱或单恋男生的雀跃。
也许我看待女生看得太理性？或许我真的还没有非常喜欢的女生？但这段对话，多少也让我进一步了解我喜欢的女生。
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